Newsweakly, 26 December 2005

	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	26 December 2005

Kringle Enterprises Continues Domination Far-north-based Kringle Enterprises continues dominating world retail markets, outstripping the success of the Global Jewish Cabal^TM already controlling Hollywood, the UN, banking, and insurance or even Wal-Mart, which controls everything else. While Kringle Enterprises, Inc (KEI) began with a mission statement redolent of Christian values of charity, some experts feel that the corporate vision has changed. "It seems clear that KEI has refocused their business plan away from its Christian mission and toward greater shareholder value", said Henry M. Paulson, chairman of Goldman Sachs and a KEI minority shareholder. Reports leaked from inside KEI seem to corroborate this view. A recent memo obtained by Newsweakly discussed the expansion of the so-called Kringle Koprosperity Sphere, through retail invasions of key countries. With this new information, some experts suspect a connection between establishment of the Kringle Koprosperity Sphere and both the Global Jewish Cabal^TM and Wal-Mart. Executives at KEI refused comment for this story, but did release an official statement pledging to "bring the joy of Kringle-related gift-buying to families and children around the world, regardless of faith or race". ACLU Sues To Separate Humanism And State The small town of Okra, Tennessee has long been awash in the time-honored traditions of atheism. The town seal, bearing the likeness of Friedrich Nietzsche, flutters in the breeze over a courthouse from which not a single church steeple is visible. Every year, at the start of winter, the town elders have assembled a Humanistic scene of hard work, education, and self-motivation on the courthouse grounds. But not this year. New town resident Gomer Bolstrood lived below the radar, quietly practicing his Christianity, not wanting to draw attention to himself. With the arrival of winter, however, Mr. Bolstrood could no longer restrain his feelings. As a Christian minority within Okra, the blatant display of human initiative on the courthouse grounds offended everything he stood for. Enter the ACLU.		"Those jack-booted lefties are tearing down everything that is good about the secular humanistic origins of this country", proclaimed Okra town mayor Robert Heinlein, in response to the ACLU suit to remove all secular humanistic references from the town government. "We cannot sit idly by while the town oppresses the minority who do not buy into the concept that humanity is in charge of its own destiny", said ACLU lawyer Avi Halaby. Noam Chomsky, acknowledged leader of the world’s secular humanists expressed outrage at what he called the "rejection of the basic foundation of our society" through the actions of the ACLU. Local Man Unable To Adapt Frank Roal, an unemployed teamster, has reportedly been unable to adapt to the end of Christmas. Prior to Christmas, Mr. Roal found himself with excess time as a result of rising fuel costs that resulted in a layoff from Consolidated Road Freight. Initially, he displayed some adaptability by volunteering to play the role of Santa Claus at the local mall. While most critics responded favorably, the move was not universally endorsed. "Frank is just avoiding the fact that, yet again, he will not be able to buy toys for his kids by any of his ex-wives. He probably thinks he can make up for his wasted life by playing Santa for a few weeks", said ex-wife number three, Betty Wont. However, the real problems began early this morning when, despite being the day after Christmas, Mr. Roal donned his Santa outfit, as he had for the previous four weeks. According to some reports, Mr. Roal decided to take his Santa interpretation in a new direction with the addition of a bottle of Johnny Walker, though some reports disagree, citing Evan Williams as the addition. "Like he would spring for a bottle of Johnny Walker. That cheapskate has not even washed that red outfit for two weeks; you think he would pay extra to drown his sorrows?", said ex-wife number two, Sue Mi. At press time, ex-wife number one, Tammy Faye, could not be reached for comment, which Mr. Roal's friends considered odd, since she usually has something to say.

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