Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 2 April 2007

Reliability Questioned

This week, Congress began hearings on the reliability of the nation's satire. "How can we be assured that we are receiving completely competent satire", asked Representative Henry Waxman, (D-CA). Waxman, chair of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, apparently began raising concerns after the timeliness of satire began flagging in recent weeks. In a recent press conference, Representative Waxman told reporters, "We cannot sit idly by, waiting for our satire to arrive. How will we know what to think, who to poke fun at? This is a serious issue and my legislative assistants are feverishly looking into it".

In separate meetings with the serious press, spokespersons also raised concerns about the increasingly anti-American position of the nation's satire. "We are concerned about the turn that satire has been taking, generally", said Ceece Anne Dissist, adding, "the appropriate target for America's legitimate satire is, and will continue to be, the White House position on just about anything". Ms. Dissist declined to comment on that current status of the "most ethical Congress in history", particularly relative to any funding appropriations included in the latest Iraq War funding bill.

According to a press release from Representative Waxman's office, the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform already began holding hearings on measures that Congress can take to ensure the reliability of the country's satire. The initiative, tentatively called the "Calming Your Nation's Inquisitive Countrymen" (CYNIC) will investigate several proposals, including a bi-partisan National Satire Review Board (NSRB), made up of Democratic party leaders from both the East and West coasts. Another proposal under consideration is a satire licensing board, which would maintain authority to grant legal practitioner status to satirists meeting certain minimum requirements. At the present time, those requirements remain in flux, but House Committee leadership favors a requirement that practitioners be Certified Project Management Professionals (PMP) to ensure that satirical schedules are met.


System Administrator Promoted

For years, local man Seth Aknee has been a dutiful UNIX system administrator at the IT department of the major corporation that does not understand the importance of his work. However, Mr. Aknee toils in vain no longer. Based on the expertise with which he has worked long lonely hours without bathing (except in the glow of his three CRTs and two new LCD monitors), Mr. Aknee has been promoted to Manager. In this new capacity, Aknee will be responsible for the lives and careers of 20 other system administrators, simultaneously shedding responsibility for the systems on which he has been so thoroughly trained. "Seth has definitely been to the Angry Management classes", said a manager in the applications development group, referring to a highly successful management training program found in all IT departments.

Cheney's Autobiography Re-released

Random House recently announced plans to re-release Vice President Dick Cheney's autobiography Nosferatu. Analysts are unclear about the growth of sales considering bookstore employees fear that using the name out loud will summon phantoms (a.k.a. the FBI).

RIAA Expands War On Music

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) President Cary Sherman praised members of Congress for sponsoring new legislation that would divert education funding to illegal song downloading interdiction.(true) "We feel strongly that the foremost goal of educators is fostering a punitive scholastic regime not unlike that which is found in the workplaces that may be in the futures of many undergraduates", said Sherman, adding, "For too long, we have allowed education funding to languish in the hands of educators". Sherman was quick to downplay language in the draft legislation, which would allow the RIAA to send accused collegiate downloaders to Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. "We are simply exploring other options, since draining the bank accounts of destitute college students has only given us mild pleasure, so far", said Sherman.

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© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler