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"Get your news weakly"SM 4 February 2008

Democratic Political Pundits And Press Relieved

Despite some concern that either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would pull ahead on Super Tuesday, both candidates managed to garner significant interest in well-dissected voting blocks across the country, leaving no clear front-runner. "We are incredibly relieved", says Democratic pollster Donna Cowntamie-Lahst, "If a single candidate had pulled ahead, it would have been much harder, though certainly not impossible, to create the sort of spin and hype that makes primary season bearable for us". Another Democratic pollster and prolific blogger, Harry Screed, echoed Cowntamie-Lahst's sentiments, saying, "Pollsters and pundits are basically lonely people who want others to pay undue attention to them, so election cycles are incredibly important to our self-esteem". Cowntamie-Lahst added, "Cutting the primary season short with a clear front runner makes us pollsters question our self-worth and the nation can ill afford such introspection at this moment".

In related news, former President Bill Clinton was reported to have been arrested spray painting "Barack's a Bum" on an overpass in East Los Angeles. The former president is also believed to be responsible for the appearance of Senator Obama's home phone number in various men's rooms across California, with the message, "4 a good time call".

McCain Emerges As Republican Front-Runner

As a result of the Super Tuesday primaries, Senator John McCain emerges as the Republican front-runner for the presidential nomination. The news comes even in the face of criticism from the core faithful of the Republican Party. In related news, Rush Limbaugh was admitted to a hospital early Wednesday morning, reportedly foaming at the mouth and suffering seizures.

Despite the favorable results for McCain, the other Republican candidates vowed to continue campaigning. The following is an analysis of their positions and how each faired on Super Tuesday.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney faired well among the well-coiffed, super-rich Mormon vote. According to preliminary statistics, despite the incredible ubiquity of young, tie-wearing Mormons in every neighborhood right now, this significant voting constituency may not have been large enough to swing the election in Romney's favor. Fortunately, the former Massachusetts governor continues to be plagued by an overabundance of cash, so he will remain in the race.


Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's message of Evangelical Christian faith-based conservatism played well in Southern states, where he captured and, according to credible Democratic reports, forcibly baptized delegates. Despite the former governor's consistent attempts to link successes and good tidings with his Christian faith, he remained remarkably silent on whether there was any link between the deadly storms that hit Arkansas and Tennessee--two of the states that voted most strongly for his message of fundamentalism. Huckabee looks well positioned to bring God's wrath to future Southern primaries.

U.S. Representative (and still actually a candidate) Ron Paul continued his successful strategy of confusing voters by using two first names. He currently stands poised.

More Economic Concerns Appear

Stocks opened sharply lower on the news that U.S. Bond Insurers lost billions of dollars over night as the result of unsuccessful wagers placed on the delegate spread between Senator John McCain and former Governor Mitt Romney. "I don't understand it", says industry analyst Frank Lee Gamling, "The odds were in our favor and it seemed like a good be… uh, investment". Other industry analysts agree that the strategy of placing money on winning positions, doubling down, and going for broke have long been critical underpinnings of the U.S. financial markets.

Bond Insurers have recently suffered sharp criticisms for dabbling in the relatively high risk investment area of sub-prime mortgages. However, not all experts place the Romney wager on the same level as the sub-prime investments. "Unlike the sub-prime mortgages, Romney seemed like a solid investment", says financial analyst Evan LaRue-Lette, "He has strong financials, positive experience in the world of private business, the almost universal backing of a solid voting block of dedicated Mormons, and really, really good hair". Many analysts fear that the largest Bond Insurers will lose their AAA rating and be forced back to the minor leagues, which could set spring training back several months.

Eli Manning Shows Strong Results

In a surprise upset, the New York Republican Party has announced that it will award all 11 of its at-large delegates to Superbowl champion New York Giants' quarterback Eli Manning. The move placed Eli Manning ahead of Ron Paul in the race for the Republican nomination.

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