Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 6 April 2009

Zxllgon Health Minister Issues Food Warning

Speaking from his holographic projection, generated on the third moon of BFD-99, the Zxllgon Heath Minister Xgh#ph*bpt issued a warning statement about several foods of Zxllgonians. Most shockingly, Xgh#ph*bpt included in its warnings, "Earthlings are to be avoided as we find increasing levels of heavy metals, anti-biotics, preservatives, and fire retardants in their cellular structures, making them increasingly dangerous to the health of Zxllgonians of all ages and reproductively active Zxllgonians, in particular".

While most Zxllgonian health experts are untroubled by the news, considering that Earthlings remain a luxury food in most of the Zxllgon empire, there are several critics of the announcement who feel that further testing of human subjects is required before a conclusive ruling is reached. "We need to collect and rectally probe more Earthlings, rather than basing dietary restrictions on a relatively statistical sampling", said Y%L, spokeshead for the League of Intergalactic Gourmands.


Still other critics believe that simply issuing warnings is not enough. Instead, these critics focus on the need to cultivate healthier Earthlings through either the combination of genetic modifications and proper fertilization, or perhaps through farming of Earthling stock. "Abandoning this food source means abandoning the habitat. We have a responsibility to our food sources to treat them with sensitivity", said Othyg^2 of the extremely successful environmental organization Habitat for Humanity and author of To Serve Man: The Complete Cookbook, adding, "Farming would solve some problems, but would not address the underlying damage to the Earthling habitat, which warranted the dietary precautions".

Despite the controversy, a spokeshologram for the Zxllgonian Ministry of Health assured reporters that the Ministry would stand by its decision. "Our decisions are based on the best science available, rather than on special interests, and the science indicates that Earthlings are increasingly unhealthy. Further, the trend indicates that unhealthy elements will continue to rise in Earthling feed stock for a long time to come", said the spokeshologram.

Add to Google

Historically Weak


Newsweakly Main Page

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler