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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 29 August 2005 |
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New Evidence Uncovered: Lance Armstrong Took Performance Deteriorating DrugsA recent review of tests taken by Lance Armstrong during his junior year of high school show striking evidence that performance deteriorating drugs may have been involved. Reporters at the high school newspaper report that the presence of cannabis is highly likely in Armstrong’s answers. Analysis of short answer responses indicates an emphasis on junk food and eating. "France is probably best known for its tasty fries that are really, really, really good. Man, I could use some right now", wrote the young Armstrong on a critical geography quiz. Because only the second half of the test was available for analysis, making conclusive results is difficult. Authorities at the school are taking the matter seriously. "I am appalled by the seriousness of the matter", said the Vice Principal, promising a full inquiry. Armstrong is in no danger of having his diploma rescinded and students have expressed a profound lack of interest in the controversy.
New Study Concludes New Music SucksA study by the National Analytical Research Community, a highly respected group of scientists over 30 years old, concluded that new music is "not as good as what we listened to in college", citing an alarming 52% increase in the critical lame-factor. The group further indicates that new music has begun an alarming new trend of repeating earlier musical themes, something they state did not happen in earlier music, particularly that recorded 8-12 years in the past. Research into the relation of music prior to that time period is not yet available and is not planned.
America’s Children Still Dangerously Exposed To Tough Life LessonsIn the wake of recent school-bus massacres, resulting in less than 1/10th of one percent of all students being even mildly injured on the way to school, officials and children’s advocates across the country have begun clamoring for increased safety measures to protect our young. |
"Considering the magnitude of the situation, a complete overhaul of the system is required", stated National Highway Traffic Insecurity Administration, Deputy Assistant Under-Secretary for Yellow Vehicles, Peter Snodgrass, concluding "it is completely unacceptable that child deaths in the last year from gun violence still outstrip bus-related accident injuries of all kinds for the last ten year period, so I think I speak for the whole country in expressing outrage at the lack of seatbelts in our buses. It is high time something was done." Others commentators see this as the tip of the iceberg. "It is disturbing how often children engage in clearly dangerous situations without proper protection", noted Laura Bush, citing regular use of wheeled vehicles, including roller skates without the use of rubber mats and full body suits. Some concerned groups associate risky behavior with the education of the young, which highlights "gateway" technologies, leading to increased risk. Responding to this threat, the Kansas Board of Education is considering halting the teaching of Newtonian Mechanics or the "so-called simple machines, which provide children with dangerously complex decisions among which they cannot be expected to make rational choices without spiritual guidance", said the Board’s Chaplain. Even with such maneuvers, some elements of society feel that more can still be accomplished. Colorado Springs-based Focus on the Family issued a statement saying "helmets and other physical protections are not appropriate; we need to be advocating abstinence-only education with respect to potentially injurious activities such as bike riding, skateboarding, and thinking". All experts agree that without proper protection from life lessons, including death, we cannot effectively cement the sense of entitlement currently growing in America’s Youth. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
