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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 5 September 2005 |
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´New Orleans Got What They Deserved´Well-respected and widely acknowledged spokesman for the entire Christian community Pat Robertson put words to the thoughts of every decent person, announcing "the sinners and sodomites of the filthy city of New Orleans have finally received the retribution of the Lord. Amen."
Pat Robertson Struck By LightningA spokesman for the 700 club issued a statement today indicating the organization´s spiritual leader, Pat Robertson, was struck by lightning moments after issuing a critique of the moral character of New Orleans and the relevance of recent meteorological events. Inquiries to the National Weather Bureau indicate that lightning strike came out of a perfectly clear blue sky.
SUV Owners Got What They DeservedWell-respected and widely acknowledged spokesman for the entire Ecological community Robert F. Kennedy put words to the thoughts of every decent person, announcing "the SUV owners are finally feeling the pinch of their irrational need for gas-guzzling behemoths".
Robert Kennedy Struck By SUVA spokeswoman for the Ford Motor Company issued a statement today indicating the company´s regret over the recent purely accidental connection of a Ford Expedition, a popular SUV and the largest available, with Robert Kennedy. The spokeswoman did not offer explanation of the presence of the SUV on the Cape Cod tennis courts where Kennedy was struck, beyond the statement that "we designed them to go off-road". Kennedy is recovering in the hospital, where he continues to be critical of the condition of the nation’s automakers with respect to fuel economy standards. |
Local Rock Star Seriously Under AppreciatedLocal rock star Sean Mulrooney announced to the audience at his recent coffeehouse appearance that they clearly do not understand him. Clarifying, Mr. Mulrooney cited his heartfelt lyrics and months spent perfecting his acoustic guitar strumming."I could have loved you / but your car was on my foot", sang Mulrooney in his heartfelt ballad entitled "The Weight of Your Car". This is but one example of what Mulrooney feels is representative of his lyrics that "speak to regular people about real life". "My lyrics are just too deep for those poseurs", said Mulrooney in interviews granted to the press after his appearance. According to Mulrooney he is considering "moving to Los Angeles to get discovered. Or maybe Boise, Idaho. People here are just too closed-minded." Critics disagree with Mulrooney’s characterization of local music aficionados. John Chesterfield, a regular patron of the coffeehouse in question, stated Mulrooney is "probably the worst singer/songwriter I have ever heard here. It hurts me to call [him] a singer or a songwriter", in a statement delivered to Mulrooney from the front door of the coffeehouse. Mulrooney asserts that the crowd "didn’t give me a chance". Unfortunately, Mulrooney’s appearance was cut short, as Chesterfield and other patrons assisted Mulrooney to the door. As a result, patrons were not able assess the entirety of the singer’s 14-song original repertoire. Some sociological and artistic experts, including Mulrooney’s girlfriend, Jessica Upton, indicate that there may be some basis in the singer/songwriter’s assessment of the local musical acumen. As evidence, Ms. Upton cites the previous four performances by Mulrooney that had similar endings to last night’s coffeehouse appearance. "They just don’t see what I see", reflected Ms. Upton. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
