Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 26 September 2005

Evidence Indicates US Troops Possibly Still In Afghanistan

Research by the Dissociative Press has revealed evidence that US troops are still deployed in Afghanistan. Subsequent surveys of public opinion have not been able to corroborate these claims. Since most respondents were unable to locate Afghanistan on a map, it seems unlikely that any sons or daughters of the US are deployed there. Some sources question whether US troops ever liberated Afghanistan.

Technical Innovation Harms Economy

Citing past examples such as the internal combustion engine, the water wheel, and the assembly line, a research team funded by Americans Supporting Strategy has shown conclusively that technological innovation is harmful to the economy. Results of the study were praised by the Automobile Manufacturers Trade Association, which is planning to hand deliver the study to the Bush Administration in what they call "an honest desire for fair and unbiased discussion on the benefits of fossil fuel dependence".

Calls to the National Academy of Sciences were met with messages indicating that the numbers had all been disconnected with no forwarding numbers. Given increased concern regarding bias in the study, the press is reported to have its nose deep in ASS, attempting to determine if there are any conflicts of interest in their funding sources. Results of the investigative reporting are likely to be soft-served soon.

Democrats Living In Fantasy World

Clinical Psychologists from Texas A&M issued a report this week concluding that Democrats are living in what experts call a "fantasy world". Characteristics of the syndrome include delusions that things are going your way, and others feel as you do.


As evidence supporting their findings, the researchers noted a recent string of speeches and pronouncements by avowed democrats. In each of these instances, the sufferers of what has come to be known as "DFW" (Democratic Fantasy World) expressed the view that popular opinion is swinging away from the GOP, based on the government’s performance during and after Hurricane Katrina. While the researchers would not take a stand on said performance, they cited the continued public support for the president in the face of repeated gaffs, missteps, self-satisfied hubris, and outright lies as significant clinical support for the existence of DFW.

Oracle And Microsoft Sign Non-Aggression Pact

In a joint announcement, Steve Balmer and Larry Ellison revealed the August 23rd signing of the Microsoft-Oracle Non-aggression Pact. While the ten-year Pact is ostensibly designed to prevent conflict between the two companies, there are concerns in parts of the west that the intention is for the companies to leverage such an agreement to divide the world and more effectively attack their respective enemies.

In fact, commentators have recently put voice to speculation that there are secret provisions of the Non-aggression Pact. While the content of these provisions is not clear, they are believed to issue explicit instructions for division of their respective spheres of influence. As evidence, these critics cite Oracle’s recent annexation of Siebel Systems.

In related reports, Microsoft corporate vehicles have been seen circling the Apple and Google headquarters. Officials at the Justice Department´s Anti-trust Division urged an approach of appeasement, which they feel will offer a decent piece of software in our time.

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© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler