Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 3 October 2005

Bush Appoints Minority Justice

In a surprise move this morning, President Bush appointed an underserved minority for Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, leaving experts unsure how conservatives will react to the appointment of an unmarried woman without children. While White House Counsel Harriet Miers is from Texas and speaks the appropriate Texas drawl, her lack of family is highly disturbing to the GOP´s core constituency. "Maybe if she were a widow, but an unmarried career woman? I just don´t know", said Texas mother of six Anita Mann. Echoing Mrs. Mann´s sentiments, Billy Bob Wilder, a Southern Baptist Minister from Abilene, Texas said, "for a woman to go through life without a husband may be regarded as a misfortune; to go without children looks like carelessness".

Graduate Student Adopts Superior Attitude

Virginia Tech graduate student Arse MacKenzie reportedly spent several months of painstaking research before he was able to adopt his superior attitude. Sources close to Mr. MacKenzie indicate that he toyed with overseas adoption for several years, even spending a semester abroad in China, but eventually the cross-cultural mix was too much for the young student. "In the end, Arse was simply not able to address the emotional difficulties that come with international adoption", stated Dr. Margaret Cavendish, Mr. MacKenzie´s thesis advisor.

While many students prefer international study as the fastest way to adopt superior attitudes, Arse MacKenzie is an example of how superior attitudes can be generated domestically. In Mr. MacKenzie´s case, the waiting period was not significantly longer than the usual semester abroad, with the new superior attitude being available even before the completion of his second semester.


County Hails New Stoplight

Citing the expected increased revenue from sales tax at PJ´s Huff-n-Stuff, county leaders gathered for a ceremonial ribbon cutting at the county´s third stoplight, now gracing the intersection of Blind Hollow Road and Plank Pike. While hailing the new stoplight, Board of Supervisors member Jack O´Malley also noted the growing stoplight gap faced by the county with those counties immediately to the east. "Clearly, we have allowed progress to just drive right by this county, and I will not sit idly by any longer", said O´Malley to the crowd of reporters gathered near the hunting and fishing license counter at PJ´s.

"We cannot expect people to spend money in this county if they don´t stop", added Board member Phil Strosneider, owner of the 1000 acres surrounding PJ´s Huff-n-Stuff and the newly lighted intersection. However, critics note that revenues from businesses surrounding the two legacy stoplights have not been as high as promised and there have been other unintended consequences.

"We practically gave money to these city-slickers to come in here and build businesses, but they just bring in more city-folk for the important jobs and hire a few minimum wage people from around here, chew up the farm land, and make the property taxes go up. I don´t get it", said one long-time resident who refused to give his name. But while this one resident seems to have an axe to grind with the Board, most residents are behind the growth strategy.

In an effort to maximize the revenue potential for the county, the Board recently rezoned the land around the intersection as mixed industrial-commercial, effectively raising property values by 200%.

The Board and County planners look forward to a string of similar stoplight franchises across the county.

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© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler