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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 14 November 2005 |
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Flood Plains At Higher Risk Of FloodingAccording to a new study by the Arkansas Department of Repetitive Redundancy, flood plains are at significantly higher risk of flooding than areas outside the flood plain. "We surveyed a sampling of 100 densely populated flood plains and 100 sparsely populated flood plains and found that, regardless of human habitation or commerce, high periodic water concentrations – colloquially known as floods -- have a tendency to extend beyond the average daily water demarcation line -- often called the river´s edge", said department head Dr. Jim Plainly. With successful completion of the study, the department hopes to move on to the reported correlation between altitude sickness and altitude.
Special Report: Feline InsomniaA silent epidemic is sweeping the nation like a feathered toy on a string-an epidemic of feline insomnia. Across the country, cats spend an average of 16-18 hours attempting to sleep, but rest remains elusive. The result of this silent struggle-an aloof, diffident cat, unable to interact with humans in a pleasant manner; unable to be a best friend. Researchers at the Center for Denominable Omphaloskeptic Humanism (DOH Center) recently completed an in depth study of the problem, in which the DOH Center found that the typical cat shifts position during sleep an average of 53.7 times during one continuous four hour sleeping attempt. Further, the same cats, observed throughout their average 6-8 hours of wakefulness were seen to yawn and blink as though fatigued an average of 9.2 yawns and 43.5 blinks per hour. "Clearly, the nation is falling behind on its duty to the socio-economic elevation of Feline-Americans; this has the makings of a cat gap", says DOH Center Director of Feline Needs, a tabby named Fuzzy. Researchers agree, without attention to the needs of Feline-Americans, we may never be able to answer the important question-what is the sound of one cat napping? |
Annual Enrollment OptionsAcross the country, companies and government agencies are in the process of "open enrollment", allowing employees to sign-up for health benefits for the coming year. A joint Newsweakly/DOH Center poll analyzes the most popular options offered by America´s largest corporations:
Local Boy Now Officially Local ManAuthorities in Aurora, Nebraska announced that Jim Snodgrass is no longer a local boy and must be known as a local man. Mr. Snodgrass (meaning Jim and not his father Bill) held a press conference on Saturday night at the Night Owl Bar & Grill, where he informed the assembled press that he was not consulted on the change and would proceed as though nothing had changed. Sources close to the Snodgrass family indicate that Jim´s announcement shows clearly that he will be following in his father´s footsteps.
Today On The Internet: Noise Exceeds SignalAccording to sources close to the web, it is now possible to "Save $$$ on Cialis!", while more detailed investigations have revealed that many people require assistance moving money out of West Africa. On the social side, researchers indicate strong desires to "Impress her with a real Rolex!", since "Hot girls want to talk to you!" Medical professionals contacted for this article indicate that it is also possible to "Enlarge your member!" |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
