Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 7 November 2005

Wal-Mart To Automate Greeters

In a bid to keep ahead of intense retail competition, Wal-Mart executives have announced plans to automate the greeters at all stores. According to the plan, the retirees generally serve as greeters will be phased out in favor of new robotic greeters manufactured in a partnership with Matsushita.

"While we originally embraced the down-home, old-fashioned feel that the old folks lent to the Wal-Mart experience, we have come to recognize the need for increased efficiency in our greeting core competency", said the company via official announcement on Friday.

"Our partnership with Wal-Mart has allowed us to fully exploit recent improvements in the whole field of 2CS, resulting in the deepest thrust into Simulated Human Action and Feeling Technology (SHAFT). We feel Americans will appreciate getting the SHAFT", stated the Matsushita corporate statement issued jointly with Wal-Mart on Friday.

Insiders familiar with the project expect Matsushita to branch out into the consumer space soon, given the advances in 2CS (short for "Crone/Curmudgeon") Technologies and the market potential of their partnership with Wal-Mart. "It just makes market sense", said Jeff Ebbers, senior financial analyst with Goldman Sachs, "the whole field of 2CS has brought a great leap in the efficiency of the aged".

Now that Matsushita has overcome the thorniest problems, they will be able to give consumers the SHAFT for very low entry costs, report many analysts. However, some fringe special interest groups have raised concerns. Ethel Poindexter, spokeperson for AARP said, "we consider America´s aging to be a valuable resource for future generations and are deeply disturbed by this development. We will be doing all we can to have Congress pass strong legislation to control the use of 2CS Technology."


Charles Heston, president of Soylent Technologies (a Halliburton subsidiary and partner with Matsushita) sounded a note of hope, saying, "these people are just afraid of change. They are worried about being irrelevant in a rapidly changing world, and that is understandable. But rest assured, companies like ours have plans for America´s aging population."

In an efficient and well-organized move designed to further ease public concerns, a group of Senators and Representatives over the age of 50, calling themselves the "50+ Caucus", issued a statement early Saturday morning that was quick, to the point, and strongly in favor of expanding the use of 2CS. Senate Majority Leader Frist went so far as to propose "government funding for research into other sectors that could benefit from the SHAFT". None of the 50+ Caucus could be reached for individual comment, though a follow-up statement expressed the hope that "technologies such as 2CS, in combination with innovative ideas from companies like Soylent may even offer the promise of solving the Social Security Crisis once and for all".

Republicans Increasingly Touchy

A new study by the Center for Denominable Omphaloskeptic Humanism (DOH) has revealed increased levels of touchiness among Republicans. The increase seems to have an inverse correlation to the job satisfaction numbers being reported for the president. Republicans interviewed for this story either refused comment or simply gave us the finger.

Weak Personals

Seeking Intelligent Life
Forgiving, pacifist deity seeking people who can read with comprehension to spread message of forgiveness, peace, and inclusion.

More Recently Weak


Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler