Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 12 December 2005

Nantucket Schools Adopt Intelligentsia Design

In another blow for the theory of evolution, the Nantucket School System has adopted Intelligentsia Design as a key element of the curriculum, alongside evolution. According to sources close to the school board, the decision was made in an effort to reverse the decades long trend that ignores the guiding hand of the educated and wealthy literati behind the meaningless lives of the expendable hoi-polloi. "For too long, ideologues from both liberal and conservative factions have ignored the basic premise that the upper crust of intelligent aristocracy is what really matters", said long-time Nantucket resident Cecil Burnbotham, adding, "get away from me, you under-class filth".

The statement on the Intelligentsia Design Network web site says, "objectivity results from the use of the scientific method without philosophic or religious assumptions in seeking answers to the question: Why does the upper class allow you to live?" For supporters of ID, the answer lies in the magnanimity of the upper class.

"While we acknowledge the power of the theory of evolution to describe the biological diversity found today and the fossil record beneath our feet, we feel that not enough attention is currently being paid to the hand of the educated elite in the shaping of human and natural history", reads the official statement from Nantucket Schools. As one concerned parent stated, "We are simply trying to keep the dialogue open enough to allow for the guiding hand of aristocracy in America".

Just Announced: iPod Macro

Tired of the ever-smaller music players lost between the cushions of your couch? Long for the heady days of the 80s when you could share your music with the whole neighborhood and all you needed was a strong shoulder? Well Apple has a new release of its popular iPod just in time for Christmas -- the iPod Macro. Weighing in at 9 lb, 3 oz, with measurements that dwarf a case of beer, it is the Expedition of iPods. It comes preloaded with all the hits from Run DMC and offers a host of features, including a genuine faux shag iPod cover and chrome trim. Headphones are sold separately.


Consumer activists expressed concern over the possible implications for incidents involving iPod Macro and iPod Nano users. "We are genuinely concerned for listener safety", said Loef Hertz, VP of Consumer Electronics with Consumer Reports, "the Macro is capable of significant damage, when used irresponsibly". Other safety activists, including some insurance industry organizations echoed that sentiment, expressing the concern that the Macro has the potential to make streets significantly more dangerous the users of millions of smaller iPod models. Apple is unrepentant saying that they are only offering what the market demands.

Nation Unprepared For Stoked Pandemic

Officials at the CDC in Atlanta report that the country is dangerously unprepared for a possible stoked pandemic. While outbreaks of stoked are currently focused largely on white males from about 15 to approximately 29 years of age, the disease has been known to affect men 30 and over (though most are sad bachelors) and some women. A similar trend was noticed in the great mullet pandemic of the late 1980s through early 1990s.

Concerns about the possibility of a stoked pandemic have risen sharply as local health agencies have reported more sightings of stoked persons. "Normally those who are stoked are confined to the beaches or ski slopes, but cases have begun cropping up in unusual places, like the library", said Harvard Epidemiologist Luke Ahtyu. Despite these growing concerns, there is little consensus around proper treatment. Some experts favor a strict regimen of books and reading to combat the pandemic, but others point to the cases of stoked library patrons as evidence that such measures would be, at best, merely stop-gap.

Fortunately, despite the debilitating affects of the disease, stoked sufferers usually maintain an optimistic outlook, though it sometimes borders on reckless. Perhaps it is this very outlook that allows some long-term stoked sufferers to lead moderately productive lives in the X-Games.

More Recently Weak


Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler