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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 5 December 2005 |
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Bush Administration Thwarts Terror AttackSources close to the administration leaked word of the successful defeat of a huge, deadly terrorist attack by unknown persons against unknown targets. Conservative experts are impressed by the foresight of the administration and its ability to support traditional family values, while single-handedly striking a blow against the terrorists who hate our freedoms. The same experts expressed disgust at the allegation that the leak may have been contrived to focus attention away from administration weak points.
Suspects Detained In Weeble TragedyAuthorities announced the arrest of four boys in connection with last week’s tragic Weeble-falling. According to reports, the boys, who all appear to come from homes of privilege, are alleged to have captured the Weebles from younger and weaker neighbors and spent several months torturing the toys. Parents of the suspected ring-leader, Donnie Rumsfeld, 13, claim that it was simply a boyhood prank gone awry.As the boys were escorted into custody, Donnie was heard to yell "he said we should do it!", while pointing at 12-year-old suspect Bert Gonzales. Bert retorted, "I did not! I just said there’s no law that says we can’t!" Neighbors had mixed reactions to the detainment. "They seemed like such capable boys, who could always get what they wanted", said Colin Powell, who lives two doors down from Donnie. "I knew they would come to no good. Just look at the shifty eyes on that Donnie, and don’t even get me started on the others; they were always lying about something", countered a neighbor who would only identify herself as Hillary. The police investigation will also address allegations that the four youths are the leaders of a gang reportedly known as "The Pentagon". |
Online Game CriticizedLocal video gaming expert Bill Stackounts released a statement criticizing the "intense lack of realism inherent in the graphics and functions of weaponry found in World of Warcraft". The statement went on to highlight the "gross violations of the laws of physics" found throughout the graphically intensive game environment, concluding that there would be "no future" for a game with such gross errors. Strong critiques are nothing new for Mr. Stackounts who also criticized the implementation of "basic Newtonian mechanics" in Pong.
GM To RestructureStill reeling from massive job cuts and mounting uncertainty in the marketplace, GM has decided to make a radical shift and get back to basics. In line with this policy, management held a press conference late Friday announcing that they would cease production of vehicles in favor of their core competencies of labor negotiations, plant closings, and workforce reductions. "Analyzing key automotive industry indicators, including sales, vehicle quality, and customer satisfaction, the answers became clear—these are not GM’s strengths", announced CEO Rick Wagoner. Industry analysts generally applauded the radical move by the executive team at GM. "We applaud the radical move", said an industry analyst. However, naysayers voiced concerns noting that, while GM has significant experience in the three core competencies that form the company’s new strategic pillars, the opportunity for long-term growth seems somewhat limited. GM stock futures advanced 50% in early trading, based on the news that the company would cease automobile production. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
