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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 9 January 2006 |
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Post-Christmas ReflectionsAs we look back on the joyous season immediately past, we can think wistfully of time spent with family and friends gathered around a tree or a menorah, singing songs of the season, basking in togetherness and love. Or, we can look deeper, to the true meaning of the season, realizing that the love our family and friends have for us is directly reflected by the value of the gifts they bought. How else is a person to judge their own self-worth in America, if not by monetary value? The higher-valued gifts fill the hole in your ego left by the lack of emotional support in plain evidence around you. However, simple monetary value, while a good basic indicator of love, must be balanced by an understanding of the relative expenditure for a gift. For example, if your uncle, who makes over $250,000 a year before commission, bought you a $20.00 gift, he doesn’t love you. And do not be fooled by homemade gifts, which the senders advertise as embodying more love and feeling; if it has no price tag, those people do not love you. It’s the American Way.
Clues Point To Unknown Ancient Sumerian GodResearchers at the DOH Center have uncovered evidence of a previously unknown deity. According to the researchers, the mathematically inclined Sumerians relied on several deities to perform astrological predictions from their ziggurats, but no specific deity had been assigned the responsibility for mathematics and counting. Scholars were formerly of the opinion that Sumerians did not view mathematics as a separate discipline as we do today, so the news from the DOH Center may cause significant ripples across Mesopotamian studies. By thorough analysis of several recently discovered cuneiform tablets, the research team has determined that the name of this lost deity is MathRa, the Σ God. |
Suburbs Promote Commuting AlternativesIn an effort to combat the growing traffic problems in America’s suburbs, new think tanks have begun investigating radical new alternatives. The Northern Virginia Metropolitan Area around D.C. is a hub of such developments. A group of club-attending 20-somethings is pushing a new idea geared to their niche. The alternative emphasizes constant communication by ensuring 100% cell phone reliability while on board, rider inundation with advertisement in the form of large video screens on all vehicles, and emphasis on form over substance. The new Vapid Transit Alternative, as it is tentatively known, serves only clientele of the most expensive suburbs.In a slightly different take, the Automotive Industry has teamed with the Petroleum and Construction Industries to champion "vehicular freedom". According to the VF scheme, the problem with too much traffic has nothing to do with the number of cars or the lack of viable alternatives, but rather the restrictions of roads. The proponents of VF envision a completely paved metropolitan area, where cars are free to drive in any direction, freeing traffic from gridlock. Critics in outer, less-affluent suburbs emphasize that the only proven way to solve traffic problems is through accelerated growth at increased distance from the core business districts. This rapidly expanding growth provides breathing space for all the cars, eliminating the need for public transit options that serve poor and undesirable members of society, according to the critics.
CorrectionOn December 15, 2005 in Philadelphia, George W. Bush said, "[I]t's a myth to think I don't know what's going on. It's a myth to think that I'm not aware that there's opinions that don't agree with mine, because I'm fully aware of that". However, what he meant to say was, "I don’t care what you think". |
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all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
