Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 16 January 2006

Virginians Resent Pacification Of Holiday

Across the state, Virginians are increasingly troubled by what they see as the pacification of their sacred war-oriented holiday, Lee-Jackson Day. Like so many other holidays, Lee-Jackson Day has been co-opted by those without concern for tradition or the ways of war, caring only to spread their celebration of non-violent change. The sacred Lee-Jackson Day was first assailed when the U.S. Congress rashly located Martin Luther King, Jr. Day on the same High Holy Day, without consideration for the sons and daughters of the confederacy. Since that time, the mid-winter celebration of the southern saints Lee and Jackson has been largely sidelined in schools. In fact, the singing of Lee-Jackson Hymns has been banned in many school districts, only to be replaced by the crass celebration of diversity and triumph over adversity through non-violent means. The ultimate case of carpet-bagging occurred when the Virginia Legislature finally gave in to Northern aggression and the Global Jewish CabalTM and moved the official celebration of Lee-Jackson Day so that it no longer officially coincides with Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

Fashion Statement More Like Paragraph

While ringing in the New Year, local administrative assistant Chantay Washington announced her intention to make a fashion statement every day this year. Reports from co-workers and friends indicate that Ms. Washington is more likely making fashion paragraphs. Unfortunately, Ms. Washington's individual sentences do not often add up to a complete thought. Some critics have implied that her use of punctuation is distinctly sub-par. One anonymous friend was heard to report, "Oh yeah, I admire her well-defined sense of self and plainly evident self-confidence, but girlfriend should know that the only thing well-defined on her is her plainly evident butt", going on to suggest specific grammatical remedies for Ms. Washington's run-on fashion sentences.

Note for those not in Virginia: Lee-Jackson Day is absolutely for real. Here is a corroborating story from The Washington Post.


Trent Lott Speaks On Civil Rights

With his image in the black community still suffering following the favorable remarks he made regarding Strom Thurmond's segregationist presidential run, Trent Lott delivered an impassioned speech about civil rights, Monday. The speech, given at a Martin Luther King, Jr. Day event, noted how "the black man and the white man labored together, side-by-side, to build this great land". Later, regarding other role models for today's black youth, Lott said, "we need to encourage young blacks to look back over their great American heritage, draw strength from that past, and use it as an example of how to serve the needs of our great country today". When asked, after the event, how he felt the black community would receive his message, Mr. Lott locked his car doors and sped away under and all white police escort.

Lutherans Celebrate High Holy Day

Across the nation Monday, Lutherans celebrated their high holy day. The celebrations included the traditional bus ride to the cathedral, where their wish lists are nailed to the door with crosses, and the congregation is ceremonially cleansed with high-pressure fire hoses, while censers spew throat-choking fumes. The faithful consider it a wondrous time of joy for all those lucky enough to participate. Robert Børkqvist, pastor at Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering, captured the sentiment best when he said, "Every year we look forward to the chance to relive the key moments of the life of Martin Luther; it has just as much meaning for us as it did 500 years ago". Some Lutherans, however, hope for a day when the holy rituals will no longer be necessary.

Queen Appoints Successor

Noting the complete lack of common sense found in most, if not all, of her offspring, Queen Elizabeth II of England has officially appointed a middle-aged guitar maker to be her successor. Buckingham Palace is keeping tight-lipped about the identity of the man, though many suspect he was once a resident of the small town of Mars, Pennsylvania, just north of Pittsburgh. For the time being, he is known only as Martian Luthier King.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler