Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 23 January 2006

Rare Parents Discovered

A DOH Center research team reports that it has discovered a rare biological anomaly: Parents who were never children. According to the team, these parents are incapable of detecting subtle childhood ruses. When presented with statements by their children that no drugs and/or alcohol were being consumed, despite conflicting evidence of smell, hastily stashed items, shifty paranoid appearances, rapid increase in potato chip consumption, and fierce fits of giggling for no particular reason, the parents accepted these pronouncements without question. In an interview transcript, one subject parent said, "I trust my children; we share everything, like good friends". Further research indicates that these parents are also incapable of comprehending the cruelty of children. Another subject parent reported, "my son loves everyone and uses his much larger size to help out all the smaller children", despite the obvious fear shown by other children towards this loving son. The DOH Center report concludes, "the irrational responses of these parents indicate that these persons could not possibly have been children at any time in the past".

Interests In Panda Continue To Grow

Rush Limbaugh expressed strong interest in the new panda cub at the National Zoo in Washington, DC. "The way they pamper that cute little rascal, I bet he would be just delicious", said the well-known gourmand. Kept as a caged animal and of a species not known for boisterous activity, experts feel young panda may offer flavor and texture beyond that of the finest veal, with the potential for the establishment of a hot market. "As it says in Genesis, God put animals here on the Earth to be food for humans. To let them sit there and go to waste, while having the potential to be some of the tastiest meat on the planet is an abomination to God", said Pat Robertson on his Internationally Syndicated 700 Club, citing one of the well-known passages endorsing meat-eating, while ignoring several contradictory passages (e.g., 1:29). Robertson and Limbaugh have reportedly provided seed money for the formation of an advocacy group, lobbying for the legalization of Panda Veal and specifically offering $2000.00 for the right to eat Tai Shan.


Bachelor Pad Obtains Discovers Technology

Reports are emerging from 69 North Taint Circle, which indicate that the residents, three bachelors who were fraternity brothers in college, have discovered a radical new technology: the two-way mirror. Sources close to the group indicate that the three discovered the technology when a rare female visitor to the house suggested covering several of the mirrors with something called "curtains". How this new mirror functions is still not yet known, but it appears to accurately represent both what is outside and what is inside, depending on the location of the viewer. The budding young researchers have begun considering means to perfect the new technology, including use of solvents that might increase the ability of the mirror to represent images cleanly. At press time, there was still no comment regarding the "curtain" issue.

Google Subpoena Changing Web Search Habits

Sources within Google, speaking under condition of anonymity, confirm the worst fears of free speech advocates: following the Justice Department subpoena of Google search records, user searches have changed drastically. Experts consulted by Newsweakly feel this change is a direct reflection of the fear average Americans feel about government invasion of privacy. Google sources noted, however, that the search for "weapons of mass destruction iraq" continues almost continuously from IP addresses at a secure undisclosed location. So far, the search returns about 28,100,000 hits, though no actual weapons of mass destruction.

Newsweakly Not Subpoenaed

Following the chilling move by the Justice Department to subpoena search records from online search powerhouse Google, experts were stunned by similar reports that Newsweakly had not been consulted. In fact, sources close to the Google investigation were asked about Newsweakly and responded, "Huh?", clearly indicating a wider conspiracy within the government.

More Recently Weak


Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler