Newsweakly, 6 February 2006

	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	6 February 2006

America Gripped By Display Of Pageantry & Skill Across the US, friends gathered to witness the pageantry and skill of a uniquely American spectacle - the high-dollar advertising campaign. "I just love the strategy of the spectacle, with some marketing teams leveraging their better defensive positions, while others just run with a concept, capturing a whole lot of ground and scoring with consumers", said Riley Hott, Director of Advanced Metaphorical Nuance at the advertising agency of Ogilvy, Adams, & Reinhardt, adding, "It is great to see how it pays to be offensive". Many fans of the spectacle expressed relief that, this year, the interruptions of sporting events between the advertising seemed blissfully short. Cheney Exposed By State Of The Union President Bush's seemingly bizarre reference during the State of the Union to a ban on human-animal hybrids achieved greater relevance today, when sources close to the White House leaked information regarding Vice President Cheney. According to the highly-placed, confidential sources, Cheney is just such a hybrid. The President's proposed ban is now viewed by experts as an attempt to eliminate Cheney's competition, allowing him to retain his alpha male status. At this time, it is still unclear what animal or animals were used in the hybridization. Muslims Protest Across Middle East Angered by Danish editorial cartoons, implying an inherent violence in Islam, thousands of Muslims staged violent demonstrations in several countries, with several different factions calling for suicide bombings as retribution for the crass image of violent Muslims. In a related story, Christian fundamentalists demanded bloody retribution for the sectarian violence in the name of the peace-loving, cheek-turning deity of forgiveness and love.		Teen Fashion Welcomed At White House Across the country, teenagers caught with their pants around their ankles consider their clothing to have made a successful statement. In fact, the popularity of loose pants worn low has spread widely beyond the original cadre of inner-city youth. Recently, Europe and the US were both caught with their pants down around Palestine and were forced to announce they were making a statement. Always the trend setter, Bush has adopted this hip new fashion trend with abandon, having been caught with his pants down in New Orleans, Abu Ghraib, ANWR, Social Security Reform, and Harriet Myers, to name just a few. Local Man's Career Saved By Subconscious Mind According to his close friends, Andrew Miller owes his career to his largely unexplored subconscious mind. Last week, Mr. Miller vowed to "tell my boss where she could shove it", said friends in attendance at a happy hour in Baltimore, MD. Initially suspecting the outburst to be a result of inebriation, associates were unconcerned, but Mr. Miller continued to speak of his intention throughout the following week, while his boss was out on vacation. Concerns escalated as Mr. Miller began composing an anti-management presentation, which he stored on his portable USB drive. "We were really getting worried. What if someone came in and saw what he was writing? The clip art Andy used in his PowerPoint presentation was really obvious from a distance-his message was clear", said Ben Down, a co-worker of Mr. Miller, adding "it was a really compelling deck". Just as other co-workers began to seriously consider an intervention, Mr. Miller announced that he had accidentally driven over his USB drive. "He said it must have fallen out of his pocket as he got in the car and then he backed over it with the front tires", said Sue Mi, Mr. Miller's associate, adding, "normally, I would think it was sad to lose that data, but in this case… I don't know". Various reports indicate that Mr. Miller did not, in fact seem concerned about the loss, adopting an almost Zen-like acceptance of the event, reportedly saying, "I guess I just need to move on".

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