Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 13 February 2006

Cheney On Weekend Killing Spree

Following the weekend announcement that Vice President and renowned human-animal hybrid Dick Cheney shot one of his hunting buddies in the head, neck, and chest on Saturday, evidence has emerged indicating that the shooting was a practice run for what friends termed "a border defense action", lasting well into Sunday night. Sources close to the VPHAH indicate that Mr. Cheney seemed elated by the "hunting trip", reportedly saying, "That's what I call compassionate conservatism".

Fox Announces Hot New Reality Series

Hoping to tap into the popularity of Comedy Central's politically minded Daily Show and the continuing Reality TV craze, Fox has announced a show for the Fall 2006 line-up: Dictator Search.

Judging the competition will be a five-member panel, representing a veritable who's who of international iron-fisted dictators. At present, the producers say, pending visa clearances, the line-up will include Fidel Castro of Cuba, Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan, Kim Jong Il of North Korea, Bela Karolyi, and Simon Cowell. The producers had tried to find a congenial female judge along the lines of American Idol, but Condoleeza Rice indicated that her participation might be seen as a conflict of interest.

Contestants will be expected to excel in a variety of competitions, including Acquiring Fissile Material, Threatening Neighbors, Suppressing Dissent, Ignoring National Constitutions, Knowledge of Popular Music, and Swimwear. The winner will be given a makeover by L'Oreal, a ten-page spread in Utne Reader, and 25 grams of weapons-grade plutonium.

The series will run for 12 weeks with one contestant being eliminated every week. The winner of each week will be given "diplomatic immunity" from elimination the following week.

Critics are excited about the new series. One critic, speaking from a the windowless room in the basement of Rupert Murdoch's mansion, where he has been held without food or sleep for the past 72 hours said he expects to be "blown away" by the intensity of the competition.


Fear Factor Takes Bold New Direction

The Reality TV series Fear Factor builds its popularity by challenging groups of average American contestants to overcome socially programmed fears of things like snakes for prizes. Realizing the untapped potential in this market, the producers of Fear Factor have added a team of experienced political consultants and are set to announce: Fear Factor National Edition.

According to publicists, the show will venture beyond the small contrived sets and situations presented to a small group of contestants, dealing instead with large contrived special-interest groups and hot-button issues presented to the entire country. Executive Producer David Hurwitz explained that "the original show concept merely taps into the queasiness of a small set of the population, but the new format allows us to potentially set the entire country at each other's throats in mind-blowing, ratings-grabbing patriotism-shrouded paranoia".

Acting as Special Consultant to the show, Karl Rove compared National Edition with the current show, saying "The current series features gags like Tunnel Escape, Snake Water Escape, and Eat the Camel Spider, but the new show will go farther with situations like Government Mandated Gay Marriage, Activist Supreme Court, and Hillary for President".

All signs indicate that planning for Fear Factor National Edition has been in the works for a long time. Fear Factor's other Executive Producer, Mat Kunitz, told friends, "that terror color chart was a great device, but we need something catchier and more 'now'".

Weak Personals

Seeking Youth
MWM looking for Youth; seem to have lost mine somewhere around 25.

Seeking Sense Of Humor
MWM suffering from terminal ennui seeking for Sense of Humor to replace well-developed, defeatist Sense of Irony and Sarcasm.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler