Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 3 April 2006

Hybrid Cars: Silent Killers On Our Streets

A new study released by the non-partisan Pegasus Group clearly demonstrates that hybrid cars represent the number one danger to public safety on America's roadways. The report cites statistics showing that, as a class, hybrid cars are responsible for more accidents with pedestrians than any other type of car. "These vehicles are simply too quiet. Pedestrians have none of the auditory cues or physical vibrations associated with the approach of regular vehicles like the Cadillac Escalade or the Lincoln Navigator", said Doug Petro, principle author of the Pegasus Group report.

However, the problem goes well beyond pedestrians. "Drivers have a much higher reliance on auditory cues than we acknowledge", said Petro. As a result, drivers of larger and more aurally distinctive vehicles like the Hummer H2 or Ford Excursion are put at significantly more risk of injury from the dangerously small and forgettable hybrid cars. "Clearly Congress needs to do something to make our streets safe again", concluded Petro, adding, "This is supported by scientific research; you can't argue with science".

The Pegasus Group is a not-for-profit think tank and lobbying firm dedicated to public safety, energy issues, and transportation. The Group, with headquarters in Washington, DC and Houston, Texas, was founded with an endowment from ExxonMobil and is funded in part by BP Amoco, Royal Dutch / Shell, Chevron Texaco, Conoco-Phillips, Halliburton, the Skilling-Lay Foundation, and a host citizens concerned about transportation choice and safety.


Pentagon Criminalizes Body Armor

Pentagon officials have made it illegal for soldiers to wear body armor not issued by the Pentagon. Soldiers caught with this unauthorized armor are considered out of uniform. Pentagon officials, who had originally created a program to reimburse Army soldiers who purchased their own body armor to substitute for out-dated or non-existent armor issued by the military, expressed concern over the suitability of non-issue body armor to protect the military from political flak. "Only properly procured body armor can guarantee safety of our personnel against rampant lobbying by defense contractors", stated Col. Clint Paycheck. "If we had allowed this situation to escalate, we would be seeing a rising tide of casualties from ISDs [Improvised Sales Diatribes] launched by these defense contractors with the very halls of the Pentagon itself", added Col. Paycheck. According to military theorists, there is also a concern regarding the ability of soldiers to properly relate to battle in non-issue body armor. "Some of this illegal armor can result in an artificial distancing of the soldier from the danger around him or her, providing small sense of well-being that is antithetical to the aims of war", said Jocelyn Saef-Theerist of the Rand Corporation. In a related development, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has issued orders that he is not to be within sight of any armed combat soldier.

Local Mother: This Is No Laughing Matter

Bernice Haffnagle told onlookers yesterday, "this is no laughing matter", in a statement that was strident in tone and unrelenting. Intending to clarify her point, Ms. Haffnagle continued by asking, "do I look like I am being funny?", in what experts suspect was a rhetorical move, perhaps tinged with sarcasm. Sources familiar with Ms. Haffnagle indicated that "she means business", adding "you had better keep out of her hair".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler