Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 27 March 2006

Mortality Rates For Hangnail Sufferers Continues High

Officials at the CDC in Atlanta report that mortality rates for hangnail sufferers have seen no marked improvement, despite decades of public outreach and education. "The mortality rate for patients of this kind remain firmly locked in at 100%", stated a recent CDC report on the issue. Other health-related groups have taken a strong position, warning that hangnails are grossly under-reported among the general population. "This is clearly another case of science being manipulated for political gain", said Johannes Azure of the watchdog group Public Infection, which has recently issued a study indicating that, if the under-reported cases were taken into account, the mortality rate would likely soar above 100%. "This is serious statistical problem", said Azure.

For its part, the CDC claims to be doing all in its power to research mortality, but admits having little long-term success. "From what we can see, there is a high correlation between life and death", said acting Associate Director for Science, Tanja Popovic, M.D., Ph.D., though she stopped far short of drawing a causal relationship, saying "just because you are alive is not necessarily a guarantee of death, that linkage is merely a statistical anomaly".

Abramoff Linked To Indian Affairs

As the scandal surrounding Jack Abramoff continues to unfold, Newsweakly has learned that the embattled lobbyist's connections are deep within Indian Affairs. Specifically, Chief Walking Eagle has been charged by his Council of Elders with an extramarital relationship based in a tryst originally arranged by Jack Abramoff. Chief Walking Eagle was not available for comment, but did issue an official statement, where he denied having had sexual relations with that woman.


Local Liberal Has Moral Qualms

Sherry Ayming is like many liberals; she recycles, she has a compost pile, she shops at expensive stores for organic, locally-grown produce, and she regularly embarrasses her children by espousing secular humanist viewpoints. More importantly, Ms. Ayming represents a growing problem in American liberalism; the inability to throw out any object, no matter how rancid and useless, without significant moral qualms. Experts have labeled this Detritus Disposal Dysfunction (3D). Sufferers of 3D are often found paralyzed near trash cans, unable to release their grip from the rotting and bacteria-laden item in their hand. So far, support groups have been formed in several major metropolitan areas. In addition, the APA has established a protocol for Detritus Desensitization Therapy (DDT). "We have found that, after using DDT on a group of these people, they had a significantly reduced experience of 3D", said APA president Gerald P. Koocher, PhD.

Intellectual Espionage Hits DOH Center

The DOH Center, long known for ground-breaking studies, has recently suffered at the hands of intellectual property thieves. Over the weekend, a report was issued by an unnamed competing think tank noting that boys who are satisfied with their appearance and spend significant time and money on their grooming are statistically more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior. While this report represents a triumph of scientific research and has clear benefits to an unaware public, the report reveals a shocking truth. Until last week, this research was being pursued exclusively by the DOH Center's Institute for Repetitive Redundancy. Officials at the Institute were unavailable for comment, but issued a statement indicating that legal measures to protect the Institute's intellectual property would be forthcoming.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler