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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 17 April 2006 |
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Administration Shoots Self In Foot, Sues ElectorateThe US administration limped into a local hospital this weekend, having finally admitted to shooting itself in the foot. Medical officials at the hospital indicate that the injury occurred somewhere in the area of Iraq, with slight damage near Iran, though experts say the Iranian damage "could be worse". In an interesting twist, the administration has brought suit in US District Court against the American electorate, claiming the electorate is responsible for the humiliating position in which the country finds itself at this time. If the electorate had been smarter, the suit alleges, we would not be in this mess. Sources close to the administration feel we should expect similar lawsuits in the near future. Apparently, the administration is also considering a suit against the defense industry for pushing too hard to use their products in a live-fire environment. In a related story, the oil industry is considering a suit against the auto industry for its excessive greed, leading to its irrational push for the administration to invade Iraq.
US Generals Demand Action From Safety Of Pensions & Lucrative Consulting ContractsA group of retired generals has shocked the world by taking no-risk positions from the safety of their pensions and lucrative consulting positions long after anything constructive could be done. The six generals have recently become the center of media attention by calling for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, for whom they recently worked. Many experts note the inherent credibility of these generals based on the fact that they, until recently had followed Rummy's orders like an American version of Tennyson's Light Brigade. |
Court Case Of New Millennium Comes To CloseThe most important court case of the new millennium came to a close recently, with far reaching implications for the human condition across the globe. The court room drama played out over several weeks, with the opposing sides locked in a struggle for truth, freedom, and what it means to be human. The world watched and waited, taking the opportunity to read the story behind the trial, as the related text flew off shelves. Anticipation was relieved and American's could rest easily, knowing justice had been done, when the world was finally notified that Dan Brown had not, in fact, stolen the idea for The Da Vinci Code.
Russia, China Offer Missiles To US, Iranian PresidentsSpokespersons for Russia and China announced today that they are ready to offer whatever it takes to eliminate concerns of open conflict between Iran and the United States. As such, both countries have made the unusual offer of one missile for each president. In a joint press conference, the Russian and Chinese spokespersons said that they hoped to offer missiles "directly to the two presidents", in the hope that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and George W. Bush would be able to "ride these missiles to peace". The Chinese contingent ended the press conference with an obtuse reference that experts feel is some form of Confucian proverb, saying, "If we can get both of these lunatics onto these missiles, we can send them into space, leaving the world much safer". Sources within the Chinese and Russian governments indicate that the countries are considering a similar offer for North Korean President Kim Jong Il and US Vice President Dick Cheney. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
