Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 24 April 2006

Bush: Neologistically Predisposed

Following President Bush's recent press conference, where he said, regarding Donald Rumsfeld, "I'm the decider, and I decide what's best", Newsweakly decided to ask the president to discuss his unique speaking style. "For me, words is fun. Y'all take 'em too serious", began the president. When asked how he is seemingly able to coin new words with every press conference, Mr. Bush said, "I guess you could say I'm neologistically predisposed, which is likely traceable to my immersion in the rhetorically flexile milieu of Texas". He went on to add, "You see, I have always viewed Texas as a cultural crucible, forging a new North American linguistic identity from a patrimony that includes the whole of Europe and the proud first nations of this great continent". "Besides, it's easier than thinkin'", concluded the president.

Evolutionary Biologists Optimistic For Next 10,000 Years

A panel of evolutionary biologists has issued a report expressing hope for the future of humanity. "As a species, we have made great strides in mental capacity and capability over the last several thousand years", said Dr. Monqui Si of Harvard Medical School. The biologists point toward obvious technical achievements along with the various complex economic and political systems and theories as evidence of the continued evolutionary capacity of the human mind.

Critics point to reality TV, "bling", and as evidence contrary to the panel's view of human mental evolution. However, even most critics acknowledge that, George W. Bush aside, the general trend has been positive. "Based on our analysis, we have been able to project the evolutionary possibilities into the future and feel confident that humanity will achieve enough mental capacity to get along together in about 5-7,000 years", said Dr. Si, "Either that or the Fox Network will come to govern the planet and humanity will lose the ability to blink".

James Dobson of Focus on the Family issued a statement repudiating the finding of the evolutionary biologists. "Not only did we not evolve from apes, but we here at Focus on the Family are not going to evolve into more intelligent creatures. Since we were fashioned in God's own image, we are perfect just as we are, as I think everyone will agree", said Dobson.


Extreme Makeover: Iraq Edition Cancelled

Producers of the Extreme Makeover television series on ABC had planned a spin-off entitled "Iraq Edition". Following the established format, a makeover team destroys the country and then rebuilds it in a more acceptable image. As with the "Home Edition" version, there is a budget and a timeline for the whole show and this is where ABC ran into difficulty. "The producers assured us the makeover would take only $60 billion and be complete in 2-3 months. They even claimed that they were complete at one point", said ABC spokesperson Mick Maus. However, the show appears to be significantly over both its budget projections and target schedule. Sources within ABC have reported that the show is running more than $200 billion over budget and is considering requesting more money from the show's sponsors. As for schedule concerns, a press release by executive producer Tom Forman in May 2003 did in fact claim an end to the show, but shooting continues three years past that announcement. "The real problem is that the country's residents keep getting killed by the makeover team", said Maus. Sears, a long time backer of the show, says it will continue to fund the crew in the belief that important work is getting done.

Junk DNA Disproves Intelligent Design

Long frustrated by the inability to find a satisfactory rebuttal to proponents of so-called Intelligent Design, sociologists of high-tech culture may have found the answer. A team of sociologists at Stanford working closely with genetic researchers at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) in Washington, DC to inspect the details of the genetic code directed their attention toward the large portion of "junk" DNA in all forms of genetic code. "The evidence of the code is clear", said team leader Raj Mehta, "if there is an outside force, it must be a team of programmers working haphazardly over millennia without clear requirements. Mankind was not even designed, let alone intelligently so". As evidence, the team points to a particular strand of DNA taken from Bill Gates. When decrypted using the latest technologies, the code snippet says, "not sure what this variable does, but the peripherals did not seem to work without it".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler