Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 15 May 2006

Mexican Authorities Endorse Fencing

In a meeting with US immigration officials, Mexican diplomats went on record saying they "endorse fencing". Carlos de Icaza, Mexican ambassador to the US, said, "Sport is a wonderful way to encourage cultural exchange between our two great countries and there is no more graceful and gentlemanly sport than fencing". Asked by reporters to further clarify whether this represented a change in the official government position on immigration, Senior de Icaza reportedly turned to his hosts from DHS and issued some very ungentlemanly phrases before leaving suddenly, muttering something in Spanish about gringos.

Scholarly Research Uncovers Shocking Revelation

Research by scholars endowed by the conservative Heritage Foundation has uncovered hard evidence of a plot to recapture historically Mexican territory from the United States. Dr. Richard Landgone, head of the research effort, reportedly confirmed his suspicions following a cross-country chase, in which he was forced to piece together arcane clues planted more than a century ago by a secretive group of Mexican intelligentsia. The plan, known as "The Santa Anna Code", will be presented to key Republican members of Congress as evidence supporting tough new anti-immigration legislation. Dr. Landgone has denied charges of plagiarism in his research, insisting that any similarities between his research and any other recent publications are purely coincidental.

Police Investigate Job-search-related Crime

Police in Rockville, Maryland are investigating a job-search-related crime. It appears that a job candidate for a position with GE Information Systems (GEIS) met with his prospective employers and knocked 'em dead. The victims were found gathered together on one side of a conference table bearing stunned looks of incredulity. "This has the mark of a contractor making a killing", said a police spokeswoman. Sources close to the investigation say that a resume was found on the scene, but, as expected, it was so full of myths, lies, and half-truths, that the perpetrator / applicant could not be accurately identified from the document, though it will give police dogs something to go on.


Jurisdictions Investigate New Disciplinary Options

Jurisdictions in such diverse locations as San Francisco, California, Boulder, Colorado, and Takoma Park, Maryland are experimenting with new disciplinary options that are intended to be more humane. The new options cover a diverse spectrum, including at least one highly controversial methods known as SuperGuilt. The SuperGuilt regimen consists of a team of Jewish mothers, who nag and kvetch until the offender pleads for mercy. While the recidivism rate shows SuperGuilt to be an effective remedy for some offenders, its endorsement by the CIA has caused Amnesty International to issue stern warnings regarding its use.

A less controversial option explored most fully in Takoma Park and San Francisco is a more humane combination of prisoner tracking bands made famous by Martha Stewart and the invisible fencing used with dogs. The system is known as the Chakra Collar. "The Chakra Collar is part of a holistic approach to crime", says Kirk Grassman, president of WholeAura, LLC, manufacturer and marketer of the Chakra Collar. According to promotional materials from WholeAura, the Chakra Collar works by stimulating the Fifth (Sound) Chakra with a pleasing low hum to enhance positive modes of self-expression, thus inhibiting negative energy. The Chakra Collar is also able to influence the Fourth (Air) and Sixth (Light) Chakras through an attached air ionizer, which purifies free-floating negative energy particles in the surrounding air, and a magnetic ankh, which absorbs brown light, thus keeping the third eye clear for self-reflection. As yet, statistics are not available on the success of the Chakra Collar.

Weak Personals

Seeking Callers
Me: Introverted to the point of secrecy, prone to making excuses, convinced I am doing everything for your own good, regardless of what anyone says. You: no particular profile, as long as you are on the phone; I guarantee I can find something interesting about you. You probably don't even know what it is.

More Recently Weak


Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler