Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 8 May 2006

Logitech Announces Bluetooth Grappling Hook

Logitech, a premier provider of peripherals and other post-modern paraphernalia has just announced a must-have product for your geek utility belt: Bluetooth enabled grappling hooks. Geeks everywhere will now be able to complete their boy-wonder impression with this handy new peripheral. The grappling hooks are designed to pair with any Bluetooth enabled device and offer support up to 180 pounds. Pricing has not yet been released.

RIAA Adopts New Enforcement Policy

Pleased with the success of their earlier enforcement regime that targeted individual internet song downloaders, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has announced a new enforcement policy. The new policy will "stamp out inappropriate uses", according to the Association's press release. Specifically, the new policy will seek copyright infringement from individuals who illegally play a song over and over in their heads. "Humming a tune is one thing, but allowing a song to be stuck in your head for hours or even days at a time clearly violates the doctrine of fair-use", said RIAA President Cary Sherman.

Industry watchers are divided over the RIAA's ability to enforce the new policy. "The RIAA has some truly awesome technologies, so I would not rule it out, but it still presents some hurdles", said Hector Cannabis, spokesman for the consulting firm of CSN&Y, LLP. Critics have already begun urging the RIAA to pursue new technologies that will prevent songs from playing repeatedly in consumers' heads. "We think the RIAA should look at the repetitive nature of the majority of their products before assaulting the consumer", said Franklin Zappakowski, specifically citing items products of the RIAA which include Britney Spears, 'N Sync, and Backstreet Boys.


Corporation Thrown Into Disarray

The entire structure of HugeCorp was thrown into disarray late Friday night when the enterprise apparently suffered a mission statement failure. Executives were paged from their beds to log in and begin working on temporary fixes to the mission statement infrastructure. Sources close to the company indicate that the critical failure of the mission statement began a domino effect, leading to the collapse of the IT target architecture. These same sources indicate, however, that the vision statement has remained stable, though experts fear it could fail any moment. As yet, there is no comment on the fate of the corporate ethics guidelines.

Customers worldwide noted the failure of the mission, as service levels dropped across the board. "There was a blip and then this huge sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just knew-it was the mission statement", said Radeep Vehlveda, head of the Indian Cheese Ministry. While service from HugeCorp has been considered some of the best in the industry, the mission statement collapse and the executives' failure to bring it back on line have drawn questions about the future of HugeCorp. Said Trevor Rabid, analyst with Standard of Poor, "This failure is music to the ears of HugeCorp's competitors; customers intuitively know the critical importance of a stable mission statement to day-to-day operation. The company is just going through the motions without it".

At press time, executives at HugeCorp do not yet have a timeframe for repair of the mission statement, but stress that a team of VPs is working overtime to correct the issue.

Weak Personals

Seeking Rich Men
Legally successful SWF seeking older man to comfort. Must be near death and have a net worth in the millions. Cash reserves preferable.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler