Newsweakly, 29 May 2006

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"Get your news weakly"^SM	29 May 2006

Pentagon Employees Pass Unseen Thanks to the consistent use of forest green camouflage, military employees at the Pentagon have become practically invisible to the untrained eye. Top brass long favored forest camouflage in all situations, including metropolitan office settings, because of the element of surprise it adds. Most of the rank-and-file military agree with the policy of wearing camouflage in the office. In particular, the military supply departments see the need for surprise that camouflage provides. "We feel that camouflage is one of the key elements of supplies", said Colonel Hyde, adding, "and we know that no military can survive without the element of supplies". However, some commuters have complained that the element of surprise has been taken too far. "I almost had a heart attack when that lieutenant colonel started talking to me on Monday!" complained Ali Ahbserv-Ahnt after a forest camouflaged officer appeared from his chameleon-like position against the concrete wall of the DC Metro system. These complaints are not likely to resonate with Pentagon officials. When asked about relaxing requirements for forest camouflage at the office, a Pentagon spokesperson cited an ever present need to be ready for an outbreak of forest warfare with highly organized bands of terrorists in the densely forested landscape of the city, asking "do you want the blood of our nation's children on your hands?" US Corporations Breaking New Ground Harvard Business School's Dr. Sven Molarki, famed economist and business strategy theorist, has released a new book entitled American Business: Breaking New Ground, in which he discusses radical new strategies he feels will become more common among successful American corporations of the 21st Century. A key theme of Dr. Molarki's book is what he calls "the four pillars of corporate success", which he labels incompetence, irrelevance, insanity, and indifference. Other theorists are skeptical, but Dr. Molarki's supporters note that many CXOs have already internalized these four pillars, as evidenced by recent legal actions.		Post Office Announces New Stamps In an effort to get in on both the biotechnology curve and the green / reduced packaging wave, the Post Office has announced that it will tentatively begin producing a revolutionary new kind of stamp. Unlike the current stamps, which use glue with paper backing, the new stamps will be bio-activated. "For these stamps, the adhesive properties will be released through bio-engineered materials that activate on contact with human fluids", said the postmaster general. Bioethicists across the country are concerned about the new trend. "This new bio-activated stamp turns the average American into a postal cyborg; merely a cog in the postal metering machine", said Dr. Sohrt Mayle of the UC Berkeley Ethics Department. Regardless of concerns, however, the Post Office is moving ahead with plans for the bio-activated stamp. Families Get Away From It All Every year, families across the country use Memorial Day as the perfect opportunity to trade their small urban and suburban lots for even smaller campsites, freeing them from the crowds of their day-to-day environments. The peace and quiet that families achieve in a nylon tent placed within six feet of four other families has a well-known restorative effect on those lucky enough to get out away from the regularity of the urban street grid and into the efficiently-planned mass campsites of the local National Park. "The atmosphere is just so much more wholesome and family-oriented up here", noted camper and father Dave D. Nial, while locking his valuables into his pickup for safe keeping overnight. Local Unemployed Man Takes Much Needed Vacation Local unemployed software developer Sean Maller took a break from his hectic schedule for a much needed vacation. Noting Mr. Maller's increasing stress level, friends welcomed the diversion. "The structure provided by a vacation is just what Sean needs", said long-time friend Kareen Arund. Most friends are hopeful that, on his return to unemployed life, Mr. Maller will have unwound enough to truly throw himself at his unemployment with the kind of vigor for which he was once known.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler