Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 5 June 2006

Senate To Debate Election Smokescreen

This week, the US Senate is scheduled to begin debate on a finely honed smokescreen, designed to obscure real issues. While real issues such as the use of questionable search practices, the increasing gap between rich and poor, the continued lack of health care for most of America (not counting backward provinces such as "Canada"), the floundering in Iraq and Afghanistan, the threat of nuclear weapons in Iran, the widening AIDS epidemic in Africa, and the declining image of the US on the world stage loom on the horizon, the Senate has wisely chosen to use a cranial sub-silica approach. Instead of focusing on these and other ephemeral issues, the Senate will leverage the increasingly polarized electorate to divert such debates to the far more dogmatically pressing issue: a minority desire to tell individuals and religious groups who can be joined in matrimony with whom.

The proponents of Governmental Marriage Control (GMC) stand on firm tradition as a reason for bringing such a divisive topic to the fore immediately prior to an election in which the proponents need as much help as they can get. But the traditions run deeper than simply fear-mongering before an election. Strict constructionists note that, the Bible came before the Constitution and, therefore, fathers should sell their virgin daughters for sex, but that is the subject of a later amendment. More importantly, supporters of the current debate, such as Focus on the Family, emphasize the importance of Family ValuesTM to the founders of our country. They cite none other than Thomas Jefferson, who helped found a number of families, while simultaneously doing much to integrate Northern European and African gene pools. Just as important is the image of Benjamin Franklin, who was known to come from a family. And last, but certainly not least is that great American Alexander Hamilton, who so embodied family values that he left a widow and children by sticking to a ridiculous notion of manly honor, despite the urging of his closest friends and advisors. Naturally, it is Mr. Hamilton who most appeals to President Bush.


One Man & One Woman Found

For many election cycles, various state and national acts related to marriage have defined the institution as a union between "one man and one woman", but never have these acts managed to be more specific. The public has, thus, been left to wonder: "just who is this one man, and who is this one woman with whom he can marry?" Well, wonder no more. Experts have combed the country and located Billy Jo Bob Ricketts and Betty Jean Ricketts somewhere near Yellville, Arkansas. They are positively identified as the " one man and one woman" of much reference in the news today.

Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family said, "I am comforted, knowing these two wonderful people have been located. The life they shared growing up as brother and sister has only blossomed with their marriage". According to reports, the Ricketts and their eight children will begin traveling the country, acting as a spokes-family for Dobson's organization, just as soon as they can get a proper number of tires on one of the 12 cars in the front yard.

Pat Robertson Warned

Late last week, televangelist Pat Robertson received a warning from the Almighty. Robertson's private plane crashed in the waters of the Long Island Sound on Friday, killing both pilots. In a statement issued early Sunday morning, the Almighty said, "I hated to take the lives of those pilots, but, well, I am an angry god, after all, and that pompous ass has been mouthing off in my name for far too long". In a press conference later in the day, the Archangel Gabriel refused questions saying, "I think the Almighty said it pretty succinctly already and I have nothing more to add, except to say, that this clearly fits with our doctrine of preemption, so you can expect more of the same. Falwell, we are watching you".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler