Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 28 August 2006

Update: Kansas Board Of Education

Across the country, shock was the primary response when it was announced that Kansas would require teaching Creationism as a science. At all levels, Kansas has a long tradition of academic foresight, beginning with the 1954 landmark Brown v Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas, which made such step away from accepted evolutionary biology an even more difficult blow. However, all is not lost in the Midwest. In recent polling, the make-up of the Kansas Board of Education looks to be making a return to the moderate middle and the incumbents on the Board have adopted conciliatory positions on a number of issues. Just last week, members unanimously agreed to table a measure requiring girls to wear burqas to school, taking it up again after the election.

Surprisingly, not all concerned parties agree that Kansas is taking the high road. Pat Robertson issued a fatwa against the entire board, urging members of his 700 Club to "bring down the righteous Fire of the Lord on the backs of the infidels". Many educated Kansans were visibly moved by such statements. In fact, both of them relocated to the more progressive neighboring state of Missouri.

Update: School Bus Safety

While reporting on the push for greater school bus safety, given the alarming rise in fatalities and serious injuries to nearly 10 a year, experts were unable to predict the now imminent threat to all school bus travel. Somehow, amidst all the red herrings of gun violence, drugs, sexual assault, and plain old stupidity, these insecurity experts missed the most pressing concern of our time, but have managed to unite as an industry to begin pushing immediately for national legislation to address the problem. As part of a first step toward making our children safer, Ophidian Oversight, a coalition of concerned citizens has published a new pamphlet entitled, "Snakes on a Bus: 12 Easy Steps to Protect Your Children". "We are not going to sit idly by while our children are at risk", said Ann Aconda, spokesperson for Copperhead Concern. First Lady Laura Bush expressed solidarity with the group, noting, "My husband also agrees that this is a serious concern; he hasn't slept a full night since he saw Snakes on a Plane".


Update: Drugs & Performance

A year ago, this news source reported on the alarming fact that Lance Armstrong admitted to taking performance deteriorating drugs before a critical geography test. Since then, absolutely no new developments have occurred. This trend of absolutely no new news has continued despite Mr. Armstrong's retirement. If anything the level of no news has even increased. Hype analysts at the DOH Center have been perplexed by the strange correlation between public concern over an issue and the level of coverage in the major news outlets. DOH Center policy experts are recommending a four-fold increase in the number of 24 hour news outlets, with an increased emphasis on the flagging sports and entertainment new industry. "We simply cannot have Americans falling behind in the critical vapid and irrelevant news category", said Esperanza Salvatore Pena Natatacion, of the DOH Center's Sports Reporting Bureau of the Institute for Comparative Irrelevance.

Correction: Metaphor

It has come to the attention of the editorial staff that the country has been assuming President George W. Bush uses the term "crusade" metaphorically, with respect to the "War on Terror". The president is, in fact, extremely literal. We sincerely regret any unnecessary loss of life, liberty, or happiness this may cause you, unless you voted for him.

Correction: Functional Democracy

In a previous issue of Newsweakly, we incorrectly reported that the United States was a functional democracy. It is clear that the US is, in fact, a theocracy. We apologize for any inconvenience, please return to your faith-based activities.

Correction: Flying Monkeys

It has come to our attention that a Newsweakly article merely implied that President George W. Bush has retained a horde of flying monkeys for his White House staff. We regret the obtuse language and will adopt a more direct style in the future.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler