Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 21 August 2006

Democrats Refocus Election Efforts

Displaying laser-like focus on the issues that matter to the broader electorate, the Democratic Party spent the end of last week dealing with critical planks in their 2008 presidential platform. "We need to speak directly to the issues, rather than political infighting", said Howard Dean. Analysts have long agreed with Dean, citing the order in which primaries are run as foremost issue on the minds of Americans. Recognizing the polarizing nature of the issue, Democrats spent last week rearranging the order to move South Carolina and Nevada ahead of New Hampshire, drawing praise from political insiders. "With New Hampshire holding the first primary, it simply was not going to be possible for the Democrats to lead", said Eire Elevante, with the Brookings Institute, "This is the step that the party has been missing for years". Democrats across the country rallied behind the decision, threatening retaliatory action if either New Hampshire or Iowa should try to reschedule their primary.

Bovine Growth Hormone Finds New Uses

While organic farmers and ecologists still tend to reject its use, Archer Daniels Midland (ADM) has recently begun marketing bovine growth hormone for entirely new purposes. ADM announced this week that its bovine growth hormone would be marketed to consulting companies under the trade name "Bovine Life Giving Nutrients" (BLGN). "We feel that consulting companies will be able to survive on a regular intake of BLGN", said ADM new products VP Fallah Molarky, "but the best part about our product is the ability for consulting companies to it around and resell it directly to the companies for which they consult. BLGN is a completely renewable resource". Industry analysts in both IT consulting and agribusiness see BLGN as a fertile new growth market. "We expect ADM to give consulting companies an edge in the race to feed executives with the BLGN they so desperately need", said Michael Chrapph, senior analyst with the Yankee Group.

However, not all analysts are as bullish on the new product line. "Truth be told, this is just repackaging an age-old product; we've been marketing BLGN products under another name for years", said an Accenture executive, speaking under condition of anonymity, adding, "Of course, the fact that this is completely redundant unnecessary simply underscores just how successful the product will be".


Protest Songs Increasingly Popular

Rebecca Pebble, a 19-year-old college student at a small public institution in Virginia represents the average college student of today. She sits in a dorm room, surrounded by friends, singing along with a college web-cast produced by her suite-mate. She belts out the Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young lyrics, "Four dead in Ohio…" with a smile. Rebecca and her friends are fueling resurgence in the popularity of protest songs. "They're really pretty songs", says Rebecca, "I love the harmonies". Rebecca and her friends cited the harmonies, the guitar parts, and the album cover art as the key factors influencing their respect for the protest song art form. "It's just such joyous and fun music", said Rebecca's roommate.

Satirist Finds Work-Free Satire Difficult

Local satirist Saul Mawlovsky recently quit his job to write satire full-time. At the announcement, most people were positive on the development. "I really envy him, it takes real guts", said Sherry Ayming, adding, "lucky bastard". Others even used the event to predict a sea-change in the future of work, with local independent research consultant Randy Brick stating, "No longer will the man keep us down. This represents no less than the power of the worker to take control of the means of production, using those for his or her own benefit, rather than the bloated bottom line of some faceless company".

Sadly, however, it seems satire flows more effectively when mediated by the bloated bottom line of some faceless company. Mr. Mawlovsky's mother was one of the early commentators urging caution. At the time of the initial announcement, the elder Mrs. Mawlovsky released a statement reading, in part, "Saul is known for rash behavior without a plan, you wait and see". In seeming completion of her practically Talmudic prediction, Mr. Mawlovsky has been sitting staring blankly at his computer screen for weeks at a time, impaired by an apparent lack of interaction with The ManTM. Insiders predict that Mr. Mawlovsky may be forced to request a corporate grant for a fact-finding mission in the near future.

More Recently Weak


Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler