Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 11 September 2006

Special Report: The Legacy Of 9/11

Despite the many nay-sayers regarding American foreign policy, no one can deny the impact of 9/11 on the course of the nation. The day forever changed the landscape of American business in fundamental ways, leading to entirely new growth markets. Americans of all stripes came together that day and vowed that no security threat would go without expert consulting, no matter how small or inconsequential. The result has been a wholesale shift in public awareness, associating all profitable issues with national security concerns.

Even with such obvious opportunities for profiteering on the pain, suffering, and need for serious reflection, economists were widely impressed with the egalitarian rush to exploitation. "This is what America is all about", said industry analyst Simon Peter Goldman, speaking of the remarkable agility with which the American service sector responded to 9/11 by creating heretofore unrecognized needs.

Analysts also note the global reach of American free enterprise, citing evidence such as the increased Chinese and Malaysian manufacture of cheap American flags. "It warms my heart to see our ideals not simply being sold and manufactured abroad, but sold back to us", said Bea Trail, economist with the Heritage Foundation.

Most importantly, analysts feel the War on Terror has made a vast difference in the safety of American business. "Before 2001, our leverage with Middle Eastern countries was very limited, but following the liberation of Iraq, we have much more latitude than ever before", said Petro "Tex" Sherman spokesman for a prominent oil industry advocacy group.

Analysts for other industries agree with Mr. Sherman's opinion. "The War on Terror has made the world safe for business again", agreed Colt Remington, chairman of the Armaments Manufacturing Industry Expertise Symposium (ArMIES). "ArMIES urged America forward for the clear benefits to society", said Mr. Remington, noting the record profits experienced by participating members of ArMIES. "Remember, this is a global economy, so when the fortunes of American ArMIES increase, so do the fortunes of international ArMIES. It's a win-win situation", continued Mr. Remington. Available economic data suggest that this analysis is more than accurate, linking the War on Terror with increased sales in emerging markets including Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, North Korea, Syria, Lebanon, Israel, and Washington, DC. Analysts remain bullish on the War on Terror, seeing continued economic growth for the foreseeable future.

"9/11 is a day of reflection on the fragility of life and all the ways we can profit from it", said Abrams Mark, IV a contractor with a defense consulting firm in Arlington, Virginia, reflecting the sentiments of many Americans.


GAO Recommends Changes To DHS

This week, the General Accounting Office (GAO) will issue a report on the operations of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). The report, timed to coincide with the anniversary of 9/11, notes several gaps in security across the nation and ways to alleviate the problems. Most notably, the report will indicate the need for a National Psychoanalytic Board (NPB) to help the country deal with creeping insecurity issues. According to those who have previewed the report, the NB will help the country deal with repressed childhood memories, including slavery, imperialism, xenophobia, provincialism, and youthful indiscretions like Florida and the Republican Party. The NPB may also help the nation address the strained relationship with its mother, who says the US never writes anymore.

Neighbors Concerned

Neighbors of Juliet Pinsky of Coeur D'Alene, Idaho report serious concerns regarding suspicious activity. Several people have indicated that Mr. Pinsky appeared unaware of the five year anniversary of 9/11 this week. "I mean, has she been under a rock, or what?" asked one neighbor on condition of anonymity. Officials with the Department of Homeland Insecurity have agreed to investigate.

President Vows To Avoid Politics

President Bush made it clear that memorials to 9/11 would not be used for political gain. "This is a solemn occasion for quiet reflection, rather than focusing on our successes against Al Qaeda or the War on Terror", said the president. He continued, noting that "Even Democrats who want to cut and run from our obligations to create a secular, pro-American, oil-rich, puppet democracy in Iraq acknowledge the need to spend today reflecting on what it means to love America enough to go to war in an unrelated country and rally behind the special wartime powers of the president". Democrats agreed with the solemn, bi-partisan sentiment by largely endorsing the president's policies for fear of being seen as un-patriotic.

Nation Wraps Self In Flag

Today, the nation wrapped itself in the flag and went to a four martini lunch. Sources close to the country looked away nervously and indicated that the country does not do this all the time, it's just going through some difficult stuff right now, you know? Unconfirmed reports indicate that the nation was picked up in a middle-eastern neighborhood for drunk and disorderly conduct, still wrapped in a now soiled and torn flag.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler