Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 18 September 2006

Space Station Suffers Scare

Over the weekend, crew members on the International Space Station were forced to take protective measures, when they noticed a foul odor. * NASA states that the precautions were merely routine and that crew members were never in any real danger, as there was no actual liquid spill to accompany the gas. At this time, NASA has not been able to isolate the source of the foul odor and all three crew members claim no knowledge of its source. US astronaut Jeff Williams reportedly told ground control that he was not the first to smell it and is, therefore, less likely to have intimate knowledge of the source that dealt it. NASA technicians are using sophisticated devices to search for the source of the foul odor, but European Space Agency astronaut Thomas Reiter apparently told ground control that Russian cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov should lay off the borscht.

Starbucks To Phase Out Baristas

In an effort to cut costs and improve profits, while speeding order-to-drink timeframes, Starbucks has announced that it will gradually phase out baristas at all of its 9.7 x 1012 stores in this galaxy. An internal management document leaked to the press states, in part, "Our steps toward galactic domination are nearly complete with an unsuspecting public almost completely addicted to our products. This move will allow us to more effectively deliver the mind-altering substances to the masses without error". Reporters covering the story met over coffee at a local Starbucks to discuss the possible goals of management, but on reflection found that there was nothing at all suspicious or nefarious about the move. Everyone agreed that the coffee was delicious.

Project Planning Meeting A Resounding Success

Participants in this week's Project Planning meeting at Red Tape, Inc all agreed that this was, by far the most successful meeting. The success was attributed to a culture of openness, where each participant felt nurtured and supported, allowing them to speak their mind and properly hear themselves talk. Pierre Lebras, the project manager spoke at length regarding his extensive experience on a major banking automation project. Kristin Tatro, the lead architect seconded the project manager's proposal, noting her own vast experience with far more difficult technical solutions in the competitive international telecommunications market. M. Tatro further noted her leadership on several unrelated projects, entertaining herself at length. Marty Sylvester, the testing manager, expounded on the technical framework laid by Ms. Tatro to explore options for travel in Europe and how this highlighted his own valuable life skills, generally. Mr. Lebras reportedly closed the meeting by assigning action items to the team members not present and tentatively scheduling a follow-up meeting for next week at the same time.


Special Report: The Legacy Of One Week After 9/11

Today, the nation mourns the reality of the events of this day five years ago, when the world paused to notice that nothing much happened. Memorial services are planned.

New Yorker Detained For Observation

New York resident Sherry Ayming awoke Friday morning looking forward to the weekend. According to her friends, the day passed like any other. Nothing indicated that this weekend would be any different from the last. The day began with the typical subway ride to the Island, including the typical daily groping by the same short balding man on the F train, who gropes her every Friday. However, despite the outward appearance of normalcy, there were early signs of distress.

Ahmed Mourmustahd, who runs a pretzel cart near Ms. Ayming's office reported an early indication saying, "She paid for her pretzel and actually smiled at me. For three years she has been buying pretzels and never has she smiled. I am seriously concerned; someone should look after her". Concern spread to Ms. Ayming's office, where security guards were alerted to her peculiar and potentially suspicious behavior. "We received several reports that a woman was holding the door for people. We take all such reports of suspicious behavior seriously", said Joe Kweezy, head of security. Mr. Kweezy then had guards pay particular attention to Ms. Ayming for the remainder of the day, though no further questionable activity was reported.

As of this writing, however, public health officials across the city are wondering where Ms. Ayming fell through the cracks. "We need to do more to prevent unnecessary risks in this city", says Stad Tistichts of the Health Department, continuing, "We still don't know how far the problem reaches".

The problem became self-evident later in the evening, when Ms. Ayming attended a concert at the Warsaw in Brooklyn. Multiple reports from those in attendance create a general consensus that Ms. Ayming was "outwardly ebullient and gregarious", opting to dance and "display visible apparent enjoyment" of the concert. Ms. Ayming is currently being held for observation and is not allowed to speak with reporters, but sources close to the operation indicate the seriousness of the matter, noting that Ms. Ayming was not wearing any black clothing when detained leaving the Warsaw.

At this time, there are no reports of a city-wide pandemic, though there are unconfirmed reports of similar behavior beyond the city limits.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler