Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 9 October 2006

China Says It Won't Be North Korea's Friend Anymore

Under pressure from the international community, China has reportedly told North Korea that it no longer wants to be friends. International relations experts whispered pointedly to each other at the announcement, noting that China was generally regarded as North Korea's only friend. It is not clear who will sit with North Korea as the United Nations cafeteria during lunch, nor who will play ball with North Korea at recess.

It is widely believed that North Korea has a crush on the United States, which would explain both the North Korean resistance to six-party talks and their insistence on pulling the US's hair and poking it in the eye. Other countries have overheard North Korea at recess, muttering to itself about how much time the US is spending with Iraq and Afghanistan. The latter, however, has apparently been sending love notes to other groups who will pay more attention to it than the US. Iraq has also been worried about all the notes that the US has been passing across the aisle to Iran, who doesn't even like the US, but has been trying to be friends with Iraq.

In related news, Turkey is still trying to be invited to a party with Europe, pointing out that they once sat at the same table, but Europe keeps ignoring Turkey, who doesn't understand what those creeps did to deserve feeling so high and mighty anyway.

Mounting Injuries In Vesuvius Explosion

Emergency crews are still digging through the rubble today, following the weekend eruption of a Chocolate Vesuvius Cake at a local restaurant. "It was just awful", said Melanie Vapidsky, waitress at Generic American Bar & Grill at Exit 4 on the New Jersey Turnpike, adding, "I have told the manager that the dessert is just too big even for two people to share. I knew something like this would happen". The victims' names will be released once next of kin have been notified.


Design Meeting Leads To Injuries

Against the recommendations of his project manager, veteran developer William Erp attended a design meeting in person with his client at the FBI. "Erp has always been called a 'cowboy developer', but I had no idea how literally to take it", said project manager Del Iver-Ahbel. According to survivors, the problem started when Erp faced off across the room with Agent Mully, shooting off their mouths about the proper place of users in design decisions. "They were firing insults fast and furious; it was impossible to avoid being hit", reported another agent in attendance. Reports indicate that the FBI practice of bringing weapons with them to all design meetings finally paid off, as they were able to subdue Erp's condescending attitude, keeping the world safe for scope creep.

Musician Makes Transition To Professional

This week, local singer / songwriter Steven "The Berg" Mawlberg made the transition from washed-up college drop-out, still living in his parents' basement, playing dead-end gigs, and hitting on freshmen co-eds to professional musician. The transition was announced by The Berg at a recent press conference, where he proudly displayed the BMI royalty check totaling $22.00. "This is just the beginning of a new life", announced The Berg. Later, Mr. Mawlberg began referring to himself in the third person, proclaiming, "No one is going to push The Berg around, he is definitely going places", adding, "You want a ride, baby?" There are unconfirmed reports that The Berg spent more than the total sum of his royalties on drinks that he does not recall having.

Corporation Sets Bold New Path

Following a recent successful merger between telecom giants Big, Inc and Corporate, Inc., the company has ignited Wall Street enthusiasm with its clearly articulated identity strategy. "This is the kind of strategy we like to see", said analyst Mark Drivel, adding, "The hallmark of a successful strategy is how well the employees understand and embrace it".

More Recently Weak


Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler