Newsweakly, 2 October 2006

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"Get your news weakly"^SM	2 October 2006

Foley Develops Severe Medical Condition Three days after resigning from Congress amid allegations that he was too aggressive in his dissemination of the conservative agenda through messages to teenage House pages, Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) has developed what medical professionals term Severe Convenience Syndrome (SeCS). "Politicians who have SeCS, generally have it as a result of interaction with young and attractive staffers", says Dr. Ehn Uendoh, a psychologist specializing in political disorders. The recommended treatment for SeCS among politicians is to enroll in almost any form of rehabilitation program and disappear from public view for a while. "Representative Foley has followed his handlers' advice very well so far", said Dr. Uendoh, of Foley's recent admission of alcoholism and related enrollment in an undisclosed treatment center in an unknown location. Americans Win Prize For Something The Nobel Commission today announced that it would award this year's prize for Physiology to two American researchers, Andrew Fire of Stanford University and Craig Mellow of the University of Massachusetts, Worcester. News outlets around the country scrambled to get an angle on the story that consumers would have a hope of understanding. Drug Makers Under Greater Scrutiny Following close on the heels of recent problems with advanced drugs, South San Francisco-based biotech company Genetech has suffered a blow for its promising new cancer drug Avastin. Due to concerns regarding deaths and other inconvenient side-effects in trials, human testing has been halted. Experts have reported that, in addition to death, there are several possible side-effects, including destruction of the tissue that divides the nasal passages, which is also a common side-effect of repeated cocaine use. While, Genentech's shares dropped $1.92, or 2.3 percent, on the news to close at $81.60 last Monday, some investor reaction was quite positive. An industry analyst in Medellin, Colombia said that there is real growth potential for the South San Francisco biotechnology company.		Meat Producers Conspiracy Revealed A widening Food & Drug Administration (FDA) investigation into the recent issue of tainted spinach has revealed the possibility of conspiracy and cover-up. Sources inside the FDA report that researchers working on Veggie Gate have found strong evidence linking the Meat Producers industry to the tainted spinach. "They are pulling out all the stops to see that vegetables look less safe than meat", said one FDA official, requesting anonymity. Sources also indicate that the initial investigations have found links between efforts by the Meat Producers and grade school clubs, who have developed a strong anti-veggie stance that has been well-documented by various Department of Homeland Security (DHS) reports on domestic terrorism. In related news, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta have released a bulletin labeling consumption of spinach as "risky behavior" that could lead to "vegetably transmitted diseases". Supreme Court Names Bush Successor Following a developing tradition established by leading political traditions of the Western Hemisphere, the Supreme Court has named Jeb Bush, the current president's brother, to be successor, when George W. steps down in January 2009. Conservative pundits hailed the move as a "shift toward the more conservative court we have been seeking", in the words of David Duke. The Who Fail To Realize Mission Statement Rock fans from across the country are relying on the provisions of the Sarbanes-Oxley (SOX) Act to demand accountability of the remaining two members of The Who for failing to achieve their mission statement. "In this era of corporate accountability, CEOs need to acknowledge when they fail to meet core goals. This is a critical issue for investors and music aficionados alike. We will not accept half measures", said Bruce Whinelot, president of the organization Chairmen of Rock Accountability Project (CRAP). Specifically, CRAP is focused on the earliest and most successful draft of The Who's mission statement, entitled "My Generation", in which the group expressed the clear goal of dying before they "got old". Other industry analysts are more forgiving than CRAP. "It really depends on how you define 'old'. They still have the potential to make good on their mission statement", said Mike Mealy, mouthpiece for World Rockers for Ethical Change (WRECh).

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler