Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 23 October 2006

US Diplomat Issues Written Correction

US Diplomat Alberto Fernandez issued a written statement this morning clarifying any miscommunication based on his recent appearance on Al Jazeera television. "'Arrogance and stupidity' reflect neither my views nor the views of the administration", writes Fernandez, continuing, "What I meant to say was 'humility and brilliance', so you can see how those might get mixed up". Fernandez, who has not been seen since being picked up by an official bodyguard after his interview, issued only a written statement. Despite repeated calls to his home and office, neither Mr. Fernandez nor any family member has been available for comment. In a related story, a new detainee was brought to Camp X-ray on Sunday morning.

Foley Controversy Expands

In the weeks following Florida Republican Representative Mark Foley's resignation, the public has been shocked by expanding revelations regarding the depths of the problems that justify Mr. Foley's actions. Immediately following Mr. Foley's enrollment in an undisclosed rehabilitation center, he admitted to alcoholism and emotional problems, in addition to the sin of homosexuality, which everyone knows is only tolerated in committee. Realizing the insufficiency of his claims, Mr. Foley subsequently developed childhood sexual abuse by an unnamed Roman Catholic priest. This weak, our investigative reporters have learned that Mr. Foley will raise the stakes yet again with another shocking revelation: as a child, he was abducted by gay aliens. The House Ethics Committee and the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) are approaching the matter with the gravity it deserves, considering that additional evidence points to the possibility that these aliens were also heroin addicts, who visited the country on falsified student visas. "We will not sit idly by, while the threat of gay alien heroin addicts afflicts this nation", said DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff.


New Department Legislation In Committee

Last week, the Senate began investigations into requirements for a new cabinet-level Department of Peace. "We have been considering the matter informally for a long time, but wanted to proceed carefully to ensure the new department had teeth", said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN). Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) agreed, adding, "No one wants a weak department; it should be able to strongly enforce its agenda anywhere in the world". US DoPe, as the department is tentatively known, is intended to bring together all of the country's best current resources for the enforcement of peace throughout the world. Proponents of US DoPe plan to bring together the existing AmeriCorps and Peace Corps programs, as well as the National Security Agency (NSA), which will formally be renamed the National Mindfulness Agency (NMA). "After much consultation with the Dalai Lama, we have realized the need for mindfulness and an unsleeping gaze in our prescription for peace", said Senator George Allen (R-VA), adding, "Peace without verification is for sissies".

Local Public Radio Station Has Successful Pledge Drive

For this year's Fall Pledge Drive, the local NPR affiliate decided to simply by-pass the niceties. Instead of begging for your dollars, plying you with gifts, or offering you a sense of community, they relied on a strong feeling of guilt — and not the Liberal kind. This year, the local NPR affiliate held itself hostage, demanding full funding from the public. The station's demands were simple: a sweatshop-free briefcase of $500,000.00 cash in large, unmarked bills delivered to the loading dock by hybrid vehicle in 7 days time, or they would begin selling staff members off to News Corp one-at-a-time. A station spokesperson says, "It was down to the wire, but we think Jim will do all right at Fox; he always did have a vacant stare, anyway".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler