|
Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
|
|
|
| "Get your news weakly"SM | 30 October 2006 |
|
|
|
|
Dick Cheney Makes AnnouncementDick Cheney has carried a secret, but he is finally willing to share it-he has been living a lie. For years, he has gone about the business of government, feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, but no longer. As of today, Dick Cheney will now be known as Darlene Cheney and a year from now, he will undergo gender reassignment surgery, effectively making her the first woman to be elected Vice President. "I finally feel good about myself. This is like a weight off my chest", said the Vice President at a press conference over the weekend.White House staffers have been highly supportive of the Vice President through this troubled time. Spokesman Tony Snow said, "Darlene is a sensitive woman, just as Dick was a sensitive man. We support her efforts to fully realize her femininity". Condoleezza Rice and the Vice President were seen in Washington, DC's upscale Georgetown district, shopping for dresses and experimenting with makeup. Contrary to the cynical expectations of some political pundits, the Republican Party has rallied to support the Vice President. Pat Robertson made a special trip to DC to meet with Ms. Cheney, telling reporters, "Darlene is a human with soul that can be saved and that needs our compassion. She should not be judged on the superficiality of her skin or the accident of her birth, but rather on the content of her soul". Anonymous sources close to the Vice President indicate that the Vice President's life reached a "turning point" following the fateful quail hunting trip. "Spraying a man in the face was a life-changing moment for Vice", said the source. Halliburton shares plummeted on the news.
Halliburton Subsidiary AccusedHalliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown, and Root is facing intense scrutiny, following accusations of fraud regarding its handling of Iraq reconstruction contracts. Halliburton shares soared on the news. |
Update: Department Of PeacePlans for the US Department of Peace (US DoPe) continue to make rapid progress in the Senate. Emblematic of the mandate for change, the National Mindfulness Agency (NMA), formerly known as the National Security Agency (NSA), has officially changed its name to the more descriptive Office of Mindfulness (OM). "OM is everywhere and in all things, so the renaming is a critical part of the mission statement of the new department. Without OM, DoPe is significantly less effective", said Lieutenant General Keith B. Alexander, Director of the Agency formerly known as the Agency formerly known as NSA.
Programmer Gnaws Off LegTrying to get out of a meeting with her user at the US Department of Oversight and Governance (DOG), contract programmer Li Ahn was forced to gnaw off her own leg to escape. Naturally, as a contractor, worker's compensation does not apply. Sources inside DOG recall seeing Ahn limping furtively back toward her cubicle and apparently trying to avoid the contract manager's office. Jack Burden with the group People for Ethical Programming Activities (PEPA) says this is not an isolated incident. "The number of one legged developers is increasing", said Burden, adding, "These programmers will have trouble competing for coffee in the wild, so it is hard to tell how they will cope". PEPA is working with corporations and the federal government to create more ethical traps for programmers than the traditional meeting, which causes much unnecessary and inhumane pain and disfigurement to programmers. An official statement from DOG insists, "We are a programmer's best friend and regret any unintentional harm that may come to programmers through prolonged user exposure. DOG will sniff out any fundamental issues in an attempt to nip problems in the bud." |
|
|
|
||
|
|
||
Back to Newsweakly Main Page
Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
