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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 18 December 2006 |
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Jewish Women's Rights Group ProtestsA prominent Jewish Women's Rights group began a little-known protest on the first night of Hanukah. "We will no longer sit idly by while Judaism condones the outdated patriarchal norms with Manischevitz", said group spokesperson Norma Lipschitz. Wine connoisseurs throughout the country aligned behind the protest, claiming that Manischevitz should be considered a crime against wine aficionados everywhere.
Puns Damage News CredibilityA small study emerging from Andorra reveals that excessive use of puns and/or a humorous literary device in news reports severely lowers the credibility of those reports. One critic sized up the study, arguing that it lacks accuracy, based on sample breadth. "It's a puny study", says Mike Gimli of the Misty Mountain Times, adding, "We have performed studies that dwarf theirs, showing just the opposite". Study creators are pledging to stay close to their work, publishing additional articles on the topic and/or a quantitative study in major market.
Homeland Security Changes PolicyThe Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) division of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) will implement a new policy beginning in January. "We found that even in our carefully planned and highly effective screening methods, there were still holes", said DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff, adding, "This policy closes those holes". Specifically, the policy will require terrorists to present their terrorism license, when entering the U.S. borders. "For too long, DHS has been unable to leverage the information available to it", said independent security analyst Andre Livinphere. Civil liberties groups expressed reservations about the new policy, noting that a traveler's profession is of no relevance to security measures, and promising a lawsuit in federal court. |
7-Eleven Stores Face Crisis Of Aging InfrastructureAcross the nation, customers have come to expect the late-night convenience offered by many all-night stores, but epitomized by the 7-Eleven. However, the national chain, facing stiff competition from the likes of Sheetz and Wawa, has found itself facing another difficulty: the aging of its stores. As one of the more established convenience store chains, much of the infrastructure is several decades old, with much of it requiring repair. Often these repairs are relatively inexpensive work that might be done by lower-wage handyman-type services, but there is much work to go around, according to 7-Eleven spokesperson Rajendra Bhighulp. "Many of the stores were built at the same time, so the infrastructure is wearing out on the same schedule, making for a spike in operating expenses", says Mr. Bhighulp. In addition to the expense, the chain is experiencing significant difficulty locating available labor for the handyman-type jobs. "There is a real dearth of available manpower to perform manual labor and light repair work on our retail outlets", says Bhighulp, noting that the management team has retained a search firm to help locate handyman services.
Regional Warming No Cause For ConcernAccording to a recent National Geographic publication, the increasingly rapid melting of large portions of the Antarctic ice shelves is no cause for concern. "What we are seeing is regional warming, rather than global warming", said National Geographic spokesperson Joseph Bush-Tool. Mr. Bush-Tool further noted that there is "no link between regional trends and global trends", citing a study funded by Exxon-Mobil showing that regional climactic trends can be seen as closed systems with no bearing on the global environmental situation. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
