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"Get your news weakly"SM 25 December 2006

Kringle Enterprises Continues Strong

Following a better-than-average performance this season, Kringle Enterprises, Inc (KEI) has moved to further solidify its position in the face of increasing global competition from Kwanza Funding Conglomerate (KFC), Ramadan Amalgamated Products (RAP), and the Global Jewish CabalTM. KEI President and CEO Christopher Kringle announced plans to outsource much of its production from the North Pole to the South Pole. "We have struck a five-year deal with the Antarctic PU [Penguin Union] to produce goods and services for KEI", announced Mr. Kringle, adding, "We are excited about this new phase in our eternally evolving corporate strategy and expect a healthy relationship with Antarctic PU".

Industry analysts are excited about the move, noting that, with the North Pole existing completely on sea ice, the outsourcing deal with Antarctic PU may be the first-ever instance of on-shoring. Warren Buffett, leading shareholder in KEI, KFC, and RAP, expressed optimism following Kringle's announcement. "This is a very bold move. The penguin colonies have been a largely untapped source of labor and KEI has led the way in leveraging this resource. I expect great things from this affiliation", said Buffett in a telephone interview.

Despite the favorable reviews by industry analysts, not everyone is so happy about KEI's latest maneuvers. Alfi Twinkletoes, union boss with Elf Toy Manufacturers and Steamfitters, Local 5287 expressed what he termed "outrage" at the move. "For years, we have labored for Kringle and this is what we get for it?", asked Twinkletoes, adding, "You watch, the quality of toys produced by Antarctic PU will never match up to elf-make; heck, they don't even have opposable thumbs!" Keebler elves announced that they are considering striking in solidarity with the North Pole elves. There are also growing concerns among the reindeer, though most feel that their jobs are secure against penguin outsourcing, since the Antarctic PU has yet to master flight technology, as a result of the international Flight Non-proliferation Treaty.


The tumult caused by the KEI/PU outsourcing deal has reportedly reached the highest levels. President Bush is said to be evaluating moves that will ensure Christmas is not delayed next year by labor disputes. "We will not have children focused on the meaning of Christmas or being deprived of their right to consume mass quantities of meaningless crap, simply because a bunch of little people want to keep their tiny little fingers busy. It's just un-American", said Bush today in the Rose Garden, using dinnerware manufactured by workers with ETM&S 5287 and eating Keebler cookies.

Ignoring pressure from various governments, Twinkletoes vowed that the elves would continue to fight for their rights, saying, "What Kringle needs to realize is that he owes everything to us and we can crush him, with or without penguin power. Kringle is an elf-made man".

Denver Delays Organized By TSA

According to highly-placed sources within the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), the debilitating pre-Christmas delays in Denver were no accident. Insiders report that, using the same technology that allowed the government to create Hurricane Katrina as punishment for the left-leaning city of New Orleans, the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) was able to manufacture the debilitating snow storm. While motivations for the delays remain unclear, several possibilities have arisen. Topping the list is an effort to thwart an alleged plot among hundreds of unidentified dark-skinned passengers to smuggle 3.5 ounce shampoo bottles onto several planes with United and Frontier Airlines, seeking to leave both airlines in bubble-filled disarray and silky-smooth vibrance.

Speaking under condition of anonymity, one TSA official said, "We were very concerned about the debilitating effects of humectants on the passengers and crew, so we were forced to act", adding, "It is possible that we over-reacted". Sources within DHS indicate that the agency is still honing what is internally known as the Strategic Meteorological Application Crystallizer (SMAC), with advocates looking for a surgical strike capability that is effective with targets outside of trailer parks.

Regardless of the proportions, Newsweakly's sources indicate that the operation is considered a success, saying, "No one was able to board a plane for any reason, so the skies over Denver were perfectly safe and TSA's mission was complete".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler