Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 22 January 2007

New Format Expected For State Of The Union Address

Sources inside the White House indicate that the President will be making a historic change to the format of the State of the Union Address. Critics have charged that the administration's recent changes in approach are insincere, unlike those of the new Democratic Majority in Congress. The White House insiders report that it is the charge of insincerity that will drive the new approach. While details remain sketchy, Newsweakly has it on good authority that, unlike previous years, the yearly address to a joint session of Congress will now take the form of a Reality TV Show. Entertainment analysts are excited about the change. "The White House has finally learned what the networks have known for some time -- you get better results by injecting a little reality into the same tired old script", said an analyst with ACNielsen. The approach is said to be a rare break with the advice of key Republican strategist Karl Rove, who said, "The last thing we should give Americans is reality because reality is dangerously close to the truth". According to highly placed staff on Capitol Hill, Congress is launching a rebuttal by hiring the producers of the popular reality program Beauty and the Geek to create a new bipartisan reality show. The new show, to be called The Republican and the Democrat, will feature eight Republicans and eight Democrats forced to live in a house together and compete for committee chairperson spots with hilarious results. Proceeds from the show will reportedly go to fund the Most Ethical Congress in HistoryTM.

Democratic Congressional Agenda Well Underway

Critics are already hailing the work of the Most Ethical Congress in HistoryTM, noting that much of the Democratic agenda has already been passed in the House. Notably absent from the package of reforms, however, is the 9/11 commission recommendation to restructure Congressional committees for greater oversight of security issues. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded to critics saying, "We are deeply committed to meaningful reform in the institutions around us".

In related news, Pelosi recently filed for trademark protection for her phrase the Most Ethical Congress in HistoryTM, or MECH. MECH merch will soon be available on Pelosi's web site, which you can link to from her profile. Pelosi is expected to receive royalty checks from the Most Ethical Congress in HistoryTM, whenever they perform any unprecedentedly Ethical law-making.


Senate Passes Ethics Reform

The Senate took a bold move forward with the recent passage of the Senate Ethics Reform Bill, which will now move to conference committee with the corresponding House bill. Hill watchers were surprised and pleased with the way the bill passed, noting the strong bipartisan majority displayed by the 98-to-2 vote. In addition, watchdog groups were pleased by a defeat of a related bill called the "Senate Votes Available To Highest Bidder Bill", which would have made senators available directly on eBay, but was defeated by strikingly similar, though inverted, 2-to-98 margin.

Don King To Promote Democratic Primary

With the long-awaited announcements of presidential exploratory committees by both Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), legendary boxing promoter Don King has reportedly agreed to promote the Democratic National Convention. King, owner of Florida-based Don King Productions and famed promoter of Muhammad Ali's "Rumble in the Jungle" and "Thrilla in Manila", is being retained by the Democratic National Committee to "bring some life to what has, in recent years, become an otherwise pointless event", as King's web site proclaims. The focus of King's efforts to add excitement to the Democratic Party will be a grudge-match between Senators Clinton and Obama, set to take place in the Super Dome in New Orleans. Don King Productions has already begun marketing the event as the "Drone in the Dome", calling it an "Epochal War of Words not to be missed". Las Vegas odds-makers are giving Senator Obama a 15:1 advantage, but many note that Senator Clinton's ability to rapidly change direction makes her a formidable opponent who should not be written off too easily.

Obama's Record Challenged

Last week's announcement of presidential intentions by Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) was met with almost universal excitement. However, pundits from Alpha Centauri reportedly expressed concern about the junior senator's experience, saying, "It's not like he has a solid five-year experience as governor of a large southern state where the legislature meets only once every two years for no more than 140 days". Some Democratic strategists are indeed concerned that having only had only four years in the state Senate of Illinois, two years so far in the US Senate, a magna cum laude graduation from Harvard Law, and having some inkling that there is a world beyond the US border may be a liability.

Historically Weak


More Recently Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler