Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 15 January 2007

President Honors Memory Of Dr. King

According to sources within the White House, the recent announcement by the President of a surge in troop levels within Iraq was timed to coincide with the holiday in memory of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. "What better tribute could we have to the slain civil rights, peace, and non-violence activist than the announcement of a way to force peace and democracy onto the Middle East?", asked White House Spokesman, Tony Snow, in a recent press conference.

Government To Enhance Billing

As Federal agencies increasingly move toward e-government, they are forced to adjust their business processes to the new technology. In particular, electronic billing and payment processing that moves money directly to banks has allowed the government, its business partners, and taxpayers to save valuable time and money for payments in both directions. However, the invoices and payments have traditionally been fertile ground for communications, through the use of inserts. To accomplish the same business objective in the digital age, a new government-wide task force has been created to evaluate how best to include inserts on the electronic transactions. "Our biggest hurdle is figuring out how small a piece of paper needs to be, for it to fit inside the message envelope", said task force leader Mike Dunce. According to insiders, all options are on the table, including a machine that will allow inserts to be rolled tight enough to fit in the wires. Another competing idea is to leverage cross-cut shredding technology pioneered by Enron and WorldCom executives to deconstruct inserts into small packets that could be more easily transmitted using Internet Protocol, version 6 (IPv6). Various technology firms are already said to be competing for the contract to build the software and hardware that will reassemble the packets into a readable insert on the receiving end. According to industry sources, an Iranian firm with experience reassembling shredded paper messages back to 1979 is the leading vendor.


President Surges Forward

Last week, President Bush brought his new direction for Iraq before the United States, with a primetime address, occupying the same air time as the popular TV show, "Deal or No Deal". While reactions have been varied, there has been a great deal of opposition from all sides, including peace activists and retired generals. Later in the week, the President attempted to address these concerns with his weekly radio address. During the address, the President urged the American people to "go half-way with us, pull out half of the stops, take on half the enchilada", noting that the "surge" was a critical compromise between the increase necessary to make any appreciable difference and a complete pullout. "This is the middle way we have been looking for all along, allowing us to take action, while risking very little in either direction", said Bush, adding, "Besides, I don't actually need anyone's permission. As the President, I deploy troops; I'm a troop deployer".

Later, in a press conference at the White House, reporters questioned the President about the origins of the surge concept. Bush answered that he recently lost all his user data from World of Warcraft when his ranch in Crawford, Texas was struck by lightning. "The way that surge crippled my game really set me back, since I've been workin' on that profile for the last six years, but was like a bolt out of the blue, if you catch my meaning. It sort of gave me the idea. Well, that, the Heritage Foundation, Dick Cheney, and some other folks", said the President.

Bush concluded by emphasizing the role he feels that the U.S. has to play in the Middle East, saying, "I want the enemy to understand that this is a tough task, but they can't run us out of the Middle East" [absolutely true], adding under his breath that the U.S. Army plans to occupy larger and larger areas of the Middle East, "whether those Ay-rabs like it or not".

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