|
Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
|
|
|
| "Get your news weakly"SM | 5 February 2007 |
|
|
|
|
Details Emerge On Microsoft And Ford CollaborationHaving recently announced plans to collaborate on products, industry insiders have been eagerly awaiting details on the exciting partnership of Ford and Microsoft, which will produce in-dash software called "Sync" to manage many of the functions accessible to the driver and passengers. Spokespersons for both companies insist that it is still too early for extensive details to be available, but some information has already been leaked to the press. The planned interface will offer users the ability to attach devices using the now-ubiquitous USB connection, allowing a variety of music players and phones to be integrated into the functions of the vehicle. Most exciting, however, is the long-awaited inclusion of in-dash CTRL, ALT, and DEL keys. "This is the kind of user interface standardization that makes cross-industry partnerships so exciting for the average consumer", said Microsoft's Bill Gates.
Costs Of 100 Hour Congress To Be CoveredWhile House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) urged House members to make significant progress on critical legislation with a 100 hour push, many were concerned about the need for overtime pay. "These representatives are hard-working average Americans", said an Exxon-Mobil spokesperson, "and they deserve to be compensated for their hard work". A joint statement by Merck and Pfizer echoed the sentiments of Exxon-Mobil, saying in part, "Congress should expect the same kind of treatment given to any hard-working American". These comments come alongside an announcement of a consortium formed by several oil, pharmaceutical, and insurance companies, called Americans for Congressional Appreciation (ACA). ACA's stated goals are "to recognize the hard work and dedication of our nation's lawmakers, providing hardship and overtime pay, where appropriate". The House Ethics Committee has reportedly endorsed ACA's position and potentially it's check. |
New Anti-Al Qaeda Strategy RevealedWhile most news agencies have focused on the President's request for additional U.S. casualties in Iraq, Newsweakly has uncovered a new strategy to deal with the Al Qaeda Network. According to government memos, the President has ordered the FCC to revoke the license of the Al Qaeda Network. With little fanfare, Mr. Bush reportedly signed an executive order to "pull the plug on the evil-doers". Analysts praised the move, noting that Al Qaeda has long been identified in the media as a network, so the action by the FCC is truly long overdue. Insiders report that, if the move proves as successful as the White House hopes, they will move on to other dangerous anti-American organizations like NPR and Pacifica Radio.
Apple iPhone Includes Enhanced FeaturesWhile Apple fans continue to hail the arrival of the iPhone, some elements of the population remain unconvinced of its messianic qualities. In response to this less-than-100% approval, Apple has announced plans to entice users to adopt the device. First among the efforts is reported to be a waiver of the home study requirement for new users to adopt the iPhone. "We feel that the average consumer has matured significantly since we first began work on the product", says Apple CEO Steve Jobs, adding, "It is more important to have the iPhone in many homes, than to wait for just the right home". Industry analysts, however, expressed enthusiasm over another incentive reportedly being discussed by Jobs and the other board members. Sources indicate that full-featured versions of the iPhone comes will come with stock options, back-dated to the week before the phone's announcement. Board members have reportedly agreed to act as beta-testers for this effort. Some sources indicate that Jobs himself may have tried out the new program. |
|
|
|
||
|
|
||
Back to Newsweakly Main Page
Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
