Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 12 February 2007

Manager Unfazed By Snow

Residents in Oswego, New York are dealing with more than nine feet of snow, but at least one man sees nothing remarkable. Local middle-manager Rick Shaw told reporters, "I've seen worse", before heading out of the canyon he had dug in the snow from his garage to the street and off to work. Shaw noted that he had never missed a day of work and "would not let something like a little skiff of snow get in my way". He also pointed out that, as a trusted member of management, he needs to set an example for his employees who might try to use the storm as an excuse to skip work. "Some of those people will take any opportunity to get out of work, no matter how crazy. Just last week an employee said she had to take her son to the emergency room, but I saw right through that. That's why we have public transportation", said the savvy Shaw. "In cases like this, I tell them, if I can get to work, so can you", reasons Shaw, whose dedication shows through in what some consider tough circumstances. "The work of the Association of Allied Organizations simply cannot be interrupted; there are networks of organizations managing the process of gathering affiliations and they urgently need our help", concluded Shaw.

In related news, an unidentified body was found frozen head-first in 11 feet of snow just outside the office of AAO in Oswego, New York. So far, Oswego police indicate that there are no witnesses and no one has come forth to identify the body.

Iran Questions US Claims Of Support For Iraqi Insurgents

US Government officials recently raised the stakes in the Middle East, claiming that Iran has directly sought to intervene in the Iraqi violence, and is directly responsible for the deaths of more than 170 Coalition forces, based on detailed US intelligence reports. Iranian officials have been quick to point out problems with US intelligence, with one Iranian embassy official recently telling CNN, "The American administration has made many mistakes in Iraq, and now they want to use Iran as a scapegoat." Speaking under condition of anonymity, a top US official said, "You know, they have a point".

Music Industry Spurns Fans

Despite impassioned and articulate denunciations of their political position by country music fans across the country, the Dixie Chicks were awarded five Grammy awards in the televised awards program this weekend. The five awards caused protests by the core country music fan base. "The essential quality of our grievance is that these young ladies do not adequately represent the force of sentiment held by the majority of hoi polloi in the country music constituency", said life-long country music fan Tex Harlan, reacting to the results from an independent bookstore in Houston, Texas. "Having resided in Texas for the greater part of my maturation, I must elucidate that Mr. Bush is a satisfactory representative of our fine geopolitical entity", concluded Harlan.


Google And Nokia Announce Plan To Tie-Up Bandwidth

At the 3GSM World Congress 2007 in Barcelona, Spain, Google's subsidiary YouTube and Nokia announced plans to offer users direct access to the increasingly popular YouTube content via Nokia N-series handsets. This move was hailed by wireless communications companies, equipment manufacturers, backbone providers, and chip makers throughout the world. "We really needed to push bandwidth usage to the next level", said Sprint Nextel spokesperson Kwik-Lee Upcoming-Phon, adding, "What better way to do it than with completely useless videos of teenage girls lip-synching to highly-derivative songs they have downloaded from the internet?"

"We are thrilled to be giving users easy access to entertaining YouTube videos anytime and anywhere. By partnering with an industry leader like Nokia, we're able to bring YouTube videos to mobile phone users driving on highways everywhere," said Steve Chen, Co-Founder and Chief Technology Officer for YouTube, via conference call from his SUV on Interstate 5, south of San Francisco. The industry group Fibre Optic Optimum Line Suppliers issued a joint statement in support of the announcement along with the Satellite Access Providers' Symposium, reading, in part, "FOOLS and SAPS recognize this announcement of video delivery direct to small wireless hand-held devices with tiny screens as the true promise of new technology, allowing our member organizations untold opportunities to increase sales of capacity".

Companies Increasingly Provide Unbiased Research Advice

Government IT departments are reporting a significant increase in the amount of free advice they receive from private consulting firms. "We think this is representative of a new trend of patriotism", said William Daft, Chief of Procurement for the CIO at the Department of the Treasury. Colonel John Ostrich with the Office of Technology Purchasing of the Department of Defense agreed, saying, "My spirits are raised by the basic, untainted loyalty of American firms in supporting the work we do keeping the American people safe every day". Agencies cite many instances of companies from Accenture to CSC recommending ways to leverage additional contracting labor to achieve agency goals more thoroughly, with only modest monthly increases in scope, budget, and schedule. Apparently, the trend goes beyond service-oriented companies. Even with the added expense of hardware research and investment, IBM and Sun have reportedly been quick to offer priceless proprietary information about their hardware platforms to several agencies. "We feel that we can best serve the needs of the country by showing why our company is the only one with hardware that does not embolden terrorists, so we have commissioned dozens of research firms headed by former IBM executives to prove we have that hardware", said Hugh G. Bonus, IBM Director Government Sales.

Historically Weak


More Recently Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler