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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 19 March 2007 |
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Irish Analysts See Hope For CureLong cursed with the "Luck of the Irish", Irish analysts finally see hope for a cure or at least a transference of the curse. For years, the small island nation has been surrounded in myth regarding its "luck", inspiring people the world over to pretend that they have some Irish ancestry.** However, the "Luck of the Irish" has included widespread famine, bloody authoritarian and apartheid-based rule by the British, centuries of depressed economic status, resulting in outward migration to almost anywhere that was not Ireland, and horrible and pointless sectarian violence. Experts were almost too afraid to hope that the "luck" had finally run out, when a rare influx of jobs (specifically in the IT sector) helped make the economy of Ireland one of the strongest in Europe. However, there was still too much "luck" left in the very soil itself, so no formal announcement was made.All that changed with the U.S. invasion of Iraq, eventually resulting in sectarian violence across that country. As the increasing sectarian strife threatens to destabilize the entire region, some Irish thinkers are considering the possibility that they might have transferred some of their "luck" to the Middle East. These thinkers are quick to point out that the evidence goes beyond mere rabid sectarianism, to include heavy-handed rule by an invading force, a crippled economy (despite wealthy assets), and massive outward migration. "Finally, some other poor dumb bastards can 'ave a wee bit o' our luck", said noted Irish intellectual Seamus O'Toole, speaking from under his bar stool in a Killarney pub on Saturday, adding, "and I'll punch anyone in the eye, who says aught back to me!"
Critics Finally Agree With White HouseCritics of the Bush Administration have been, over the years, quick to disagree with almost any position the president has taken. However, last week, Mr. Bush met with the president of Guatemala and the two packed lettuce as a photo opportunity. Following the activity, Mr. Bush announced that packing lettuce was the highlight of his presidency. Critics and supporters alike rallied to agree that rarely has the president issued such a bipartisan statement of the obvious.
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Iraq War Developmentally ChallengedAs the nation marks the four-year anniversary of the Iraq War, experts have begun assessing the war's development. By some measures, the war is progressing along exactly the arc that it should be following. In particular, a four-year-old should be able to speak in complete sentences; generally approaches problems from a single point of view; engages in fantasy play; and often has trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality. Experts with the American Heritage Institute's Developmental Institute feel that these points completely align with the state of the Iraq War. To make their case, the Institute's leaders note the inflexibility of the war to significant change of direction and the repeated assertions that we are winning. "A war is a lifetime developmental process; you're never really finished with it", says the Institute's Director, Dee Lou-Dedd.However, critics point out that there are many factors against which the war does not measure well. These critics cite that a four- year-old should be able to understand the concept of "same" and "different", understand the concept of counting and know a few numbers, and negotiate. "By any measure, this war needs remedial assistance and should get individualized help, before it becomes another sad statistic", says Dr. Simon Sez, with the American Academy of Pediatrics. Some experts disagree with this assessment, noting that the war can definitely apply the concepts of "same" and "different" to Shiites and Sunnis and that expecting the war to understand these before it had even reached two years old is simply unfair. Other critics feel that the Iraq War did not receive the kind of nutrition and nurturing that it needed in its earliest years. However, most agree that with proper subsidies, it can become a useful and on-going part of American society.
Weak Ad: RubidinRubidin, the new drug from Pfizer that doctors can prescribe as a last I-told-you-so. Side effects may include loss of control in an ill-conceived foreign war, leakage from highly placed staff members, itching, redness, loose bowels, incontinence, mood swings, stomach ache, and dandruff. Rubidin may not be appropriate if you have a weak heart, have been suspected of violating civil rights, or recently packed lettuce in a Central American country. Rubidin - when you just need to know you were wrong. Ask your doctor if Rubidin is right for you. |
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all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
