Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 12 March 2007

Cheney Surprises Doctors

Early last week it was announced that the Vice President had been diagnosed with a blood clot in his leg. Official announcements emphasized that the condition was not serious and could be treated with blood thinners. As with many Americans, Cheney's doctors recommended starting a regimen of children's aspirin. The doctors were quick to remind Mr. Cheney that they meant "aspirin usually intended for children" and not actual children. However, the most shocking revelation of the whole episode was not immediately evident outside of the halls of power. Speaking under condition of anonymity, one doctor expressed a great deal of surprise at the existence of a blood clot. "Frankly, we did not think Mr. Cheney actually had any blood in his veins to clot", said the doctor, looking over his shoulder nervously. No other doctors are alive to comment.

Libby Bleats Guilty

Mid-day on Tuesday of last week, the world came to a halt with the announcement of a guilty verdict returned by the jury in the trial of Vice President Cheney's former aid Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Since no one can remember exactly what crime was at stake, the jury simply found Libby guilty of one count of being a scapegoat.

New Appointment For Libby

Just days after hearing a verdict of guilty from the jury in his perjury and obstruction of justice trial, Lewis "Scooter" Libby accepted the post of ombudsman and ethicist for the administration. When asked about the propriety of the appointment, Mr. Bush said, "We are a Christian nation and I believe in redemption. Heck, you've all made mistakes and I don't hold that against you. I am willin' to give Scooter a chance and I think you should be too".


Halliburton Offshoring Profits

Under increased Congressional scrutiny regarding its handling of no-bid contracts in Iraq, Halliburton has announced that it will strategically realign its headquarters to another country. Specifically, the Halliburton Corporation has been named Crown Prince of Dubai. Some senators, including Patrick Leahy (D-VT) were shocked by the news, but others saw the silver lining. "With Hallliburton named Crown Prince, we will be able to divert money to Halliburton without any oversight, just like the crown princes of Saudi Arabia", said Senator Trent Lott (D-MS). Pundits seem to agree with Senator Lott, with Mr. Ann Coulter noting that, as Crown Prince, Halliburton will be able to raise its own army to defend the interests of United Oil, where ever those may be. "We will finally be able to defend every oil well in every place", said Mr. Coulter.

Liberal commentators were, like Senator Leahy, shocked at the move by Halliburton, though Houston-area Johnston Middle School student body president Jeffrey Simpson called it "totally expected", noting that his father had "totally been looking at houses in Dubai".

However, even president Simpson noted how the move seemed to offer an endorsement of the policies of the current administration. CNN's Wolf Blitzer attempted to discuss these perceived improprieties and conflicts of interest in a recent interview with Vice President and former Halliburton chief exectutive Dick Cheney. Surprisingly, Mr. Cheney expressed personal hurt at being asked tough questions by the media, saying, "It is out of bounds for you to ask about that". Mr. Cheney did answer questions about apple pie and motherhood, but only motherhood by married heterosexual women not genetically related to him.

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