Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 16 April 2007

Bush Reports "Encouraging Signs" In Iraq

Recently, speaking before an American Legion gathering in Washington, DC, President Bush announced that there are "encouraging signs" in Iraq. Naturally, Congressional Democratic partisans attacked the president's statement as lipstick on a pig. However, investigative reporters for Newsweakly, embedded with the more attractive units of the 101st CNN Division, have uncovered evidence. In addition, reliable sources actually claiming to be in Iraq report that the president is actually correct. These sources note that the U.S. military has been purchasing pre-framed SuccessoriesTM posters, having them delivered in dedicated C-5 Galaxy transports. "There's one with a golfer trying to get his ball the extra few inches to the hole and the caption says 'never give up'. That one really seems to resonate with the Iraqi people", says Major John Dorque, currently serving in the procurement branch, based in Virginia that has been ordering the posters. "We are thinking of adding the 'Culture Builders Banners', based on the incredible success of the posters", says Major Dorque.

Reports from the field are not quite as positive. Some soldiers note that translating the SuccessoriesTM into Arabic might have more impact on the general populace. Responding to these criticisms, the Pentagon maintains that they intend to translate the posters into Arabic, once they are able to eliminate the shortage of qualified translators. Pentagon officials would not commit to a date by which the shortage would be overcome, noting that "We are continually forced to discharge fully qualified translators for national security reasons. We all know that everyone loves a man in uniform", according to General B. Gott, referring, of course, to the completely rational practice of discharging homosexual members of the military, not including the Navy. Despite the setbacks caused by homosexuals, the campaign of "encouraging signs" is slated to continue, unabated.

It should be noted that, despite the almost universal praise for the "encouraging signs" in Iraq, there is a small cadre of critics who think that these signs will not have the intended effect. The administration remains confident that these nay-sayers will be proven wrong. Said Mr. Bush, "Encouraging signs have turned around whole companies and made a real difference in the culture of many businesses large and small across this great land. We should give SuccessoriesTM a chance to turn around Iraq before just cutting and running".


Gonzales Practices For Congressional Appearance

Facing increasing criticism from both sides of the aisle, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales apparently has been practicing his expert testimony tactics. According to well-placed sources, the regimen begins with a session in front of the mirror, where he repeats his mantra, "I am good enough; I am smart enough; and gosh darn it, people like me". Then he spends several hours being pummeled by Anne Coulter. Finally, the relentless Mr. Gonzales sums it all up with daily refresher on the basics of telling the truth by well-known upholder of truthiness, Oliver North. These sources went on to say that Mr. Gonzales' trainer Mickey Goldmill initially accepted an offer from testimony expert Bill Clinton. However, Goldmill later rejected Mr. Clinton's assistance based on the results of his performance as a consultant for the Lewis "Scooter" Libby trial.

President Continues To Support Gonzales

In a press conference this past week, Mr. Bush told reporters, "Look, Alberto was the perfect man for the job when I picked him and he still is, or I wouldn't have picked him in the first place, when I picked him". Mr. Bush concluded by noting, "Even his initials say he's the right man for the job. See, he's A-G, the A-G. Get it?" Despite the president's endorsement, Alberto Gonzales remains deep in hot water, making his situation a regular soup de jure.

Spokespersons for embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have recently taken a stand in his favor, based upon what they consider unimpeachable logic. "All the people leaving his office and cloaking themselves in their Fifth Amendment rights is proof positive that they are all liars, leaving the only conclusion that Mr. Gonzales has been the trustworthy one all along", said a supporter, who refused to give her name.

Ashcroft Speaks Out

Former Attorney General and upholder of moral values John Ashcroft recently expressed deep regret at the tone being taken in the Nation's Capital. "By constantly talking about subpoenas, we are creating an immoral, sex-crazed culture in the Capital. We have to think of the children", said Mr. Ashcroft, adding, "Congressmen should set a better example and refrain from talking about subpoenas in public; it's just unseemly".

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© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler