Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 23 April 2007

Pentagon Announces New Iraq Policy

While still early in the process of President Bush's Iraq War Surge, Pentagon leaders have announced a new and more innovative policy. The policy, called "National Solitary Confinement" by top brass at the Pentagon, calls for the construction of 12-foot high concrete block blast walls around neighborhoods, making progressively smaller enclosures until every person is safely inside their very own Personal Insurgent Thwarter (PIT). Spokespersons for the U.S. Army point out that this is in no way punitive, saying in an official statement, "We are doing this for your own good; it hurts us more than it hurts you". Apparently, the policy was not created in a vacuum. According to highly placed sources in the State Department, the U.S. Army spent the last several years consulting with former security leaders in Saddam Hussein's security forces.

"This proves that we are not just engaged in more of the same", says General David Petraeus, adding, "We are leveraging the long years of experience in correctional methods found right here in Iraq; we are not just thinking outside the box, we are thinking about the box". In addition to native Iraqi expertise, the U.S. Army is reportedly relying on expert consultation from former Stasi, KGB, and Mossad agents.

Virginia Tech Tragedy: Paris Hilton Speaks Out

In a truly news-worthy moment, world-famous heiress Paris Hilton added her voice to the many who have spoken out to condemn the senseless tragedy at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia. The well-attended press conference ended with Ms. Hilton saying, "What I really don't understand is why some people are saying 'we are all Virginians'. I mean, I haven't been a Virginian in years". Spokespersons for Virginia Tech have reportedly said it felt good to laugh again.


Cause For Global Warming Located

Amidst the rancor over global warming, much attention has been paid to the search for a specific cause. In the 1970s, experts looked toward Chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) as the answer, but their ban did not appear to lead to the kinds of change anticipated. Lately, attention has shifted toward CO2 as the major culprit, resulting in significant efforts to reduce their output. However, scientists have long suspected that CO2 is not the most dangerous greenhouse gas, given its ability to dissipate relatively quickly. Of greater concern is CH4, more commonly known as methane, which, according to the EPA's website, "remains in the atmosphere for approximately 9-15 years" and "is over 20 times more effective in trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide". Armed with this knowledge, a team of researchers from the Delta Upsilon Delta (ΔΥΔ) fraternity at Boston College began investigating possible sources of greenhouse gas emissions. "Early Sunday morning, after St. Patrick's Day weekend, is a day I will not soon forget", reports lead research Biff Anderton. It was on this date that Mr. Anderton detected CH4 at an extremely high level, apparently emanating from his roommate, Reginald Bunn. Preliminary testing revealed Mr. Bunn's emanations to be well above those allowed by the Clean Air Act, Mr. Bunn's support of President Bush not withstanding. "We feel strongly that, if we are able to isolate Reginald, we will be able to have a strongly positive effect on the air quality of the immediate campus area, if not the world", concludes Mr. Anderton.

Local Weather Disproves Global Warming

In a surprising defeat for science, cold weather for a few days in April completely contradicts the steadily rising temperature trend experienced for about the last 200 years. Said one scientist, "I wish we had been keeping track of daily variations in Berryville, Virginia, so we would have some way to refute these results, but alas, we are helpless in the face of this new evidence".

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