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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 30 April 2007 |
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Renewable Energy ReportScientists have recently begun considering how to tap into a truly renewable energy source: tossing and turning. Nightmares, night terrors, and general liberal unease are considered some of the most promising forms of renewable energy as yet untapped by the alternative eco-friendly energy sector, which is calling the new energy Liberal Angst Driven Energy (LADE). "All we need to do is wrap willing liberals in copper wire and allow their tossing and turning to be a benefit for society, if not their spouses", said Stanford University researcher Dr. Khan Sientz Hertz. According to several researchers working on the problem, tossing and turning may provide an almost inexhaustible form of energy. "Liberals are wracked by guilt and concern on just about every topic you can imagine", said Dr. Hertz, "so we can rely on a regular rapid cycle of rotation well beyond the foreseeable future". Dr. Hertz goes on to note that conservatives do not make good energy sources, based on their inherent smug confidence. In addition, the rising concerns about global warming lead to a serious potential for increased LADE output.Some researchers remain skeptical, pointing out that even liberals might feel good about getting LADE. "If getting LADE makes them feel good, then it might have the possibility of reducing their anxiety, which will, in turn, reduce their nightly RPMs", said Tahr Sands, a researcher with Exxon-Mobil. Dr. Hertz counters that the natural guilt felt by liberals prevents them from feeling good about anything. "It is impossible for liberals to feel good, even about getting LADE, because there is likely to be someone out there being exploited as a result", says Dr. Hertz, "in this case, it is the traditional energy sector workers and their families, who will need to be retrained". Fortunately, some experts feel that anxiety caused by the downturn experienced in the traditional energy sector can be harnessed for Legacy Angst Driven Energy, allowing everyone to get LADE. |
Mali Demands Apology From Public RadioThe government of the West African nation of Mali recently demanded an apology from Public Radio International (PRI), which is widely distributed on NPR affiliates, based on what the country's ambassador to the U.S. has called "gross insensitivity". "We will not sit idly by, while the official voice of the U.S. speaks ill of our country", said Ambassador Abdoulaye DIOP in a hastily-called press conference.Other news outlets moved quickly to compare Marketplace host Kai Ryssdal to the recently unemployed Don Imus, with some demanding Ryssdal's resignation. "We have to consider the gravity of the situation and take appropriate action", said U.S. Ambassador to Mali Terence McCulley. Specifically, the international community was shocked to hear a story on NPR discussing the economic plight of Mali's farmers, in which Mr. Ryssdal referred to the "crude hoes" of the farmers. Even discredited radio personality Don Imus decried the "incredibly insensitive way that NPR denigrated the hoes of West Africa". "We will not have our hoes disparaged", says Ambassador Abdoulaye DIOP. Others point out that, for want of a few dollars, the farmers of West Africa are forced to use sub-standard garden tools. Irish pop star, Bono has already announced creation of a fund that will deliver non-nappy garden implements to all of Africa. However, even Bono's altruistic efforts have drawn the ire of social activists. "We appreciate what he [Bono] is trying to do, but this is really just another case of rampant Western cultural imperialism", said self-appointed French ambassador of the downtrodden Jean-Marie Effete. Sources close to the U2 front man indicate that he intends to move forward with his plans for the international aid program, tentatively called One Dollar Hoes. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
