Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 14 May 2007

Falwell Farewell

Beloved by a wide range of supporters; hated by an equally wide range of opponents, the former head of the Moral Majority passed away this week. Observers noted that Falwell has at last officially joined the majority of humanity.

Nation Increasingly Threatened By Mothers

A group of mothers arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct late Saturday night marks the fourth mass arrest of mothers this month and an inauspicious welcome to the yearly debauchery that is Mothers' Day. According to experts at the Focus on the Family Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, this is the third year in a row for escalating Mothers' Day violence. "The increasing Mothers' Day violence is simply a marker of the general increase in maternal violence", says Focus on the Family founder James Dobson.

Authorities across the nation are concerned. Local churches are urging reductions in the emphasis on Mothers' Day. "By promoting Mothers' Day, we simply embolden the brocco-fascists", says Reverend Albert Thornapple with the First Secular Southern Baptist Church in Coy, Mississippi, adding, "Maternal hooliganism has been an increasing problem that is simply fueled by the celebration that we give to them". Dobson agrees, saying, "There must be some way to de-emphasize and reduce the glamour of motherhood".

Experts have also begun to point to what they consider a disturbing recent rise in "muthah rap", which they feel also functions as a support for the rising issues with maternal violence. "So-called 'muthah rap' leads to denigration of children, fathers, husbands, and, even worse, mealtimes and housework", says Tipper Gore, long-time outspoken morality activist, known for her campaigns against mature content in music during the 1980s.

Some jurisdictions report shootings by rival gangs of muthahs. These middle-aged white women drive through suburban cul-de-sacs, marking their turf. "They mark their territory with a process known as 'tagging'", says University of Maryland Criminologist Dr. Laura Dugan. According to Dr. Dugan, these gangs of muthahs use Swiffers™ to make tell-tale markings in the dust found on nearly every flat surface in a suburban landscape.

Anti-gang units within various police departments have begun considering recruiting Buddhist monks and Navajo artisans to create sand paintings on flat surfaces, as a means to discourage the tagging. "We have found that using dust to create large civic art works discourages the behavior of these anti-social types", says Fairfax County, Virginia police chief David M. Rohrer.

While approaches vary, all experts agree that motherhood is the primary problem facing America today. "We need to find some way to take the glamour out of motherhood", says Chief Rohrer, "maybe we can start by eliminating Mothers' Day".

Lawyer Turns Entrepreneur

Katherine Ogilvie has joined many others in setting out boldly to pursue an entrepreneurial streak. Just a few short weeks ago, Ogilvie was a promising young lawyer in New York, excited by the prospect of building sweat equity in her chosen profession. However, she left all that based on her intuition and a good idea.


Immediately after leaving her law firm, Ogilvie began shopping a risky business plan that had taken shape over several years of client-billable hours at her reputable law firm, but the gambit paid off. Just two weeks ago, Ogilvie landed backing from several unnamed venture capital firms, allowing her to officially announce the marketing of her new company: OSi.

"From what we can see, OSi has the potential to fill an under-represented niche in the market for office products", says industry analyst Jay Dehdt. That niche is the market for high-quality ocean shovels. In addition, OSi will bundle the golden-handled shovels with motivational posters.

"I have found that these are things everyone needs, even if they just don't know it yet", said Ms. Ogilvie. She later clarified her position, saying, "In truth, the motivational posters are just about as useful as tits on a boar hog, but if it keeps them from going postal one more day and maybe even causing them to buy a shovel, then I sure don't mind making a buck".

Ogilvie sees a bright and virtually endless future for the fledgling company. In fact, she is already considering future product offerings. One such possibility may even include golden donkey saddles.

Weakly Reader Reap Lies

We here at Newsweakly hope to make a regular segment out of this, since it means that you get to write part of the issue. This letter was submitted by an actual reader. Some names have been changed to protect the guilty and a few formatting liberties have been taken, but the writing is pure brilliance, massaged to fit our journalistic integrity. Enjoy.

Fellow members of the American work force,

It saddens me to report that a good friend is starting to find herself irritated by office politics, female office politics, and a general lack of patience for stupidity. During the first few exciting months of the latest chapter of her career, working as an attorney, she was overly optimistic of the experience, and took too much satisfaction in a job well done.

Many times she was cautioned that even if you place a golden saddle on a donkey, you will never have a horse. This sound advice had always been brushed off as a mere failure on my part, to do something that I love for a career. I find that to be entirely rubbish as there are few activities that I enjoy enough to do 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. The very few that I do enjoy that much (other than sleep), would probably grow old after a while. I derive my sense of happiness and meaning in life from a healthy mix of hobbies, exercise, general family avoidance, alcohol, and laziness.

I wonder what the best advice is to give. Should I lie and say that it gets better as the experience builds/years under the belt add up, or do I tell her to go have a drink for lunch? Maybe I should just crush her ego and tell her that we are all fellow garbage men. I could further defend that argument by quoting the great one who coined the phrase, "What's my job? Well, I shovel the ocean for a living." I don't quite feel worthy enough to quote those words of wisdom, however.

Garbage Man

If you have a suggestion for how Garbage Man might break the news that life is a series of crushing defeats to his friend, feel free to drop us a line. Sadly, it looks like any ability to profit from this misery has already been taken.

Historically Weak


More Recently Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler