Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 18 June 2007

New Development Planned

Recently, many localities have endorsed retirement communities and the newly popular designation of "active senior living" developments, which have age restrictions forbidding people under a certain age (usually about 55 years old) from residing permanently in the development. According to many, these senior-oriented developments help achieve "smart growth" goals, by allowing higher density developments that emphasize walkable communities. More importantly, planners have come to realize that one of the primary advantages of these developments is the limited impact on schools and similar services.

Seeing the win-win situation at hand, one community has taken this concept to the next logical step, endorsing a plan to create the nation's first "Sedentary Senior Living" center for 200 seniors on 1.58 acres behind the used car lots southeast of town. "The SSL concept provides security for both the resident and the surrounding community, since we need not be bothered with all those people out walking slowly or, heaven forbid, driving", says county planner Hugh G. Mpala. Best of all, existing younger community residents will not be "forced to confront their own mortality", in the words of a local home-care nurse.

According to literature from the county's development partner, Ethical Cold Storage, Inc (ECSI), the SSL ethos is one of "artistic independence". "We provide each senior the ability to be sedentary at their own pace; we don't rush them into this", says ECSI company president Joseph Youngman. To realize their goal of "artistic independence", ECSI plans to offer each resident a full complement of electronic art forms through an Individualized Artistic Independence Center (IAIC), which will include game consoles (Xbox and Nintendo) attached to a 45-inch HDTV with streaming on-demand movies and unrestricted broadband internet access. The IAIC will be complemented by arms-length access to snacks and drinks. While some critics have attacked the project, the North-American Interfraternity Conference (NIC) has expressed great interest, releasing a statement that said simply, "Dude!"


UN Seeks Policy Shift

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has announced a radical new policy proposal that will fundamentally shift the orientation of UN troop deployments across the globe. "For too long, we have been oriented toward peace-keeping, which is a reactive and somewhat passive activity", said Ki-moon, in a press conference last week. Instead, the Secretary-General plans to create an international peace-making force.

To jump-start the new UN Peace-Making Service (UN-PMS, as it will be known), Ki-moon has requested that the Government of Tibet, in exile, contribute 6,000 Meditation Shock Troops (or Meditators) to create an elite unit that will eventually form the core of the Service. The new elite unit will jump into hot spots around the globe, forcing immediate serenity on the population through non-violent means, loving means.

The first test of UN-PMS will not be simple. Ki-moon has tentatively announced plans to deploy the Meditators to the Gaza Strip. "We seek nothing less than unconditional serenity", said Ki-moon.

US Constitution Holds Press Conference

Following an ever increasing list of threats against itself, the US Constitution held a press conference in the National Archives in Washington, DC last week. Specifically, the Constitution cited repeated threats against itself by US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "Mr. Gonzales has accused me of not saying things I have explicitly said, including accusing me of not granting the right of habeas corpus. Further, he was disappointed when a court recently rejected the notion that the government could simply label a legal resident as an enemy combatant and then hold them indefinitely without trial." The Constitution concluded the press conference by announcing that it would be seeking a restraining order to be issued against Mr. Gonzales. According to reporters in attendance, the Declaration of Independence stood alongside the Constitution during the entire press conference.

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© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler