Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 14 January 2008

Starbucks Patron No Longer Satisfied

Local IT consultant and regular Starbucks patron Stephanie Anderson reports that her drink of choice, an iced tall triple skim sugar free vanilla latte, is no longer providing her with the happiness and fulfillment that it once did. According to sources close to Ms. Anderson, she started with a simple tall latte, then moved up quick to a tall vanilla latte. For a while her friends and co-workers indicate that she was happy. However, the same confidantes noted a creeping guilt-based depression impacting Ms. Anderson's work and social life. Following the advice of her doctor, Ms. Anderson shifted to a tall skim sugar free vanilla latte, which seemed to placate the feelings, though friends recall that Ms. Anderson made statements indicating that "something was missing". True to form, the depression seemed to return stronger than ever. At this point, there were reports that Ms. Anderson considered a radical shift to a grande skim sugar free vanilla latte, but these remain unconfirmed. What is clear is that Ms. Anderson eventually opted for a tall triple skim sugar free vanilla latte, with exceptional results. Sadly, these results were fleeting, despite the fanfare with which they were greeted. Amid reports of concerns with pretentiousness and early onset mid-life crisis, Ms. Anderson switched without warning to an iced tall triple skim sugar free vanilla latte.

Summer reports seemed indicate that Ms. Anderson had reached stability, though there remained concerns. As the days became shorter, Ms. Anderson began to speak of increasing dissatisfaction, coupled with idle musings about switching to an iced tall triple skim sugar free pumpkin spice vanilla latte, though this was considered purely a seasonal disorder. Additionally, friends have been concerned about the inevitable withdrawal symptoms, when pumpkin spice is seasonally withdrawn from stores.

Those close to Ms. Anderson have been counseling her to think of others. As a result, there are reports that Ms. Anderson is seriously considering switching to an iced tall triple skim organic sugar free vanilla latte frappucino. Sources indicate that merely the consideration of the switch has made Ms. Anderson significantly happier.


OSHA Releases New Mining Guidelines

Following last year's string of mining accidents around the world, the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) began a thorough investigation into mine safety. This week, OSHA announced that it is releasing a new set of guidelines for safer mining operations. The guidelines come in the form of a pyramid, where the bottom layers are considered foundational for the safety of all workers, while the top layers are critical for the protection of CEOs and other essential staff. "Our concern is with the safety of all workers, from the highest paid CEO to the most oppressed CFO", said OSHA spokesperson Lynne Merrill.

According to the report, the crucial foundational safety precaution is outsourcing dangerous and dirty mining operations to poor countries with weak labor and environmental protections. The subsequent tier is a wholesale shift to strip mining. "We feel the benefits of strip mining are obvious, since labor will have greater access to fresh air", says Merrill, adding, "More importantly, safety officers will have more direct visibility to the unsafe practices of low-wage, low-skill labor".

The top tier of the pyramid is a generous package of retirement plans, stock options, and severance pay for mining company executives, regardless of corporate performance. "The real tragedy of the mining industry is the toll it has taken on executive families", reports Merrill. Leading CEOs of major banking and investment firms agree, citing statistics showing that the ownership of private jets has decreased sharply, since the enactment of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, in response to the Enron and WorldCom accounting scandals. "Executives risk their over-inflated livelihoods every day in America and it is high time we took steps to protect them like they deserve", says Merrill.

The OSHA press release accompanying the new guidelines notes that the selection of a pyramid was not an accident. "Since ancient Egypt, the pyramid has symbolized achievement, safety, and security for laborers at the highest levels", reads the press release, concluding, "OSHA wishes to emphasize that same high quality of safety and the same dedication to labor with this modern day pyramid".

Historically Weak


More Recently Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler