Newsweakly

Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM
"Get your news weakly"SM 7 January 2008

Dick Cheney Reprimanded

Dick Cheney, CEO of Vice Presidential Industries (DIFX:VICE), has been officially reprimanded for damage caused to the Old Executive Office Building as the result of a fire on Wednesday, 19 December 2007. Later investigation by Secret Service investigators found strong hints of sulfur. Further inspections reveal that Cheney had left open a portal to Hell. "We have repeatedly informed Mr. Cheney that it is his duty to close the portal to Hell after consulting with Beelzebub", said Secret Service spokesperson Levi Astaroth, adding, "We regret any preventable damage that may have occurred". When asked about the authority of the Secret Service to reprimand Mr. Cheney, spokesperson Astaroth replied, "Let me assure you: Mr. Cheney understands and recognizes our authority".

Young Voters Relieved

Despite concerns that they are crossing picket lines and are frankly not that funny without their writing staff, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are back on the air in time to provide guidance for the Youth of AmericaTM. "We were really concerned that we would not know how to vote, but Jon is back to save us from having to think", says local college junior Matt Ponder. After having been interviewed by Jon Stewart, four out of five pundits agree: getting drunk on mom and dad's liquor is cool. Particularly when you add water to the rum and they don't even notice.

Hillary's Emotional Strategy

All major press outlets are reporting that presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton had a major breakdown in New Hampshire, to which many pundits are further attributing her completely unexpected move from second to first by a few percentage points in the New Hampshire primary. In fact, many experts are claiming that the breakdown was actually a brilliant strategic move by the senator. "The strategy obviously worked for her in New Hampshire, so we can expect more of the same", says Fox News' Coyote Blitzen.

 

Sources close to the Clinton campaign indicate that the senator is considering the traditional Gaelic practice of keening on the steps of the South Carolina state house. Considering the relatively larger influence of Muslim immigrants in Michigan, insiders expect Senator Clinton to engage in a practice more reminiscent of the ritual weeping associated with the tenth of Muharram-ul-Haram or the proclamation of love for Hazrat Hussain, particularly considering the depth of the senator's devotion to the American people.

However, some political analysts say that Senator Clinton may need to dig deeper. "Depending on how the polls go, Senator Clinton may need to consider sitting Shiva to really solidify her position", says political expert David Ben-Shalom.

Consumer Product Safety Commission Issues Additional Critical Recall

As a direct result of last fall's increased scrutiny of consumer products of all kinds, the Consumer Product Safety Commission took the radical step of issuing a highly controversial recall this week. In a statement issued over the weekend, the Commission indicated that Vice President Dick Cheney can be toxic and hazardous to Americans. Americans are warned "not to swallow anything related to Mr. Cheney, particularly his views on executive privilege and power". The Commission expressed regret that it had not moved sooner to protect American consumers on this critical issue, vowing that it would act more rapidly in the future. Rumors in Washington, DC abound that the Commission will make good on these promises, issuing recall notices for candidates of both major political parties before upcoming elections. "We are taking proactive strides to ensure the safety of the American public", says the weekend press release and recall notice. Consumer advocates dispute these claims noting that it is almost time for Mr. Cheney to come off the shelves anyway, so the recall has very little impact on the average consumer. "Look at the fact that the recall was issued over the weekend", says consumer advocate Ralph Nader, "It's like they didn't want anyone to notice they had issued the recall. This is just unacceptable".


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© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler