Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 18 February 2008

Campus Safety An Escalating Concern

As the country reels in the wake of the shootings at the campus of the Northern Illinois University, less than a year after the horror of the Virginia Tech shootings, some have turned their attention toward steps that individuals can take to protect themselves. In particular, some groups have argued that students and faculty are significantly hindered in their ability to offer reasonable protection against what seems to be a rising tide of escalating gun violence on college campuses. As a result, many states are seeing an increased push to allow students to carry firearms on campus with proper permits.[true] "Only by answering guns with more guns will we ever feel safe", says student firearms advocate Ann Wesson.

Many students seem to agree. "I don't know how many times I have wished I had a gun", says New York University senior Anne Gree. Florida State junior Buck Neif concurs, noting, "Parties around here can get kinda out of hand, so I know I would feel much safer, like, packing heat, you know?"

Despite the appeal of a shower of bullets in all directions, there are many students with a different opinion. In fact, the most vocal student groups feel that mere parity with evil doers is not sufficient for self-protection. Instead, these groups feel that personal security can only be guaranteed through the deterrence offered by overwhelming firepower.

One such group, the National Grenade Launcher Bi-partisan Taskforce (NGLBT), represents concerned students who feel their own safety is best guaranteed by a perimeter of shrapnel-induced carnage. "As our name implies, we represent both ends of the social spectrum, right- and left-handed shooters", says NGLBT president Kha Bhum.

However, a significant portion of students feel that the protection offered by NGLBT is not sufficient for their needs. Most representative of groups in this position is Students for Tactical Nukes on Campus (STaNC). Where the NGLBT feel that merely being explosive is sufficient, STaNC goes a step further to advocate the threat of all-consuming fire for their self-defense needs.


"People who are clearly emotionally unstable enough to consider going on a campus rampage with a gun will think twice, when confronted with the holy fire of our tactical nukes", says STaNC president Buck Turgidson. Apparently, many people agree. Experts find support for STaNC to be strong across the country. In fact, the group's popularity and broad appeal is attested to by their myspace page that shows over eight thousand friends. One of those friends expressed her solidarity with the group, leaving a message saying, "u where sooo hot last nite Buck, lov3 u!".t

Despite the honest, heart-felt support in evidence through such comments left on the myspace profile, some critics charge that not all the friends are actually STaNC supporters.

World Leader Makes Historic Announcement

This week, the world was shocked by the announcement that a highly controversial world leader, long the bane of U.S. foreign policy, would be considering stepping out of the official limelight. The announcement, addressed in a press conference by White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, that U.S. President George W. Bush would consider stepping down at the end of his presidency took many pundits by surprise. However, the wording left many feeling that the reigns of power would remain firmly in the hands of those currently in the administration.

Bush eliminated concerns that he would retain direct power, saying, "I will neither aspire to nor accept the positions of President of the State Council and Commander in Chief". However, Bush did indicate that CEO of Vice Presidential Industries, Inc (DIFX:VICE) Dick Cheney would remain on in his post as Sith Lord to ensure continuity of energy policy, at least until a sufficiently conservative figurehead could be found.

However, Bush concluded on a positive note, saying, "This is not my farewell to you. My only wish is to fight as a soldier in the battle of fundamentalist ideals".

Reacting to the news from the White House, Cuban President Fidel Castro said, "I believe that the change from George W. Bush out to begin a period of democratic transition". Castro later added that the political transition in the U.S. should lead to genuinely free and fair elections.

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