Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 25 February 2008

Sony Finally Wins One

Toshiba today announced that it would discontinue manufacturing their HD DVD players, making the Sony-backed Blu-Ray technology the winner in the global competition for the next generation of DVD format. After nursing their wounds from BetaMax, the Memory Stick, and Mini Discs, Sony issued a brief press release today, which said, "Nyah, Nyah, Nyah". Sony marketing executives were catatonic with joy and surprise and could not be reached for further comment. The Sony board of directors denied plans to let the BetaMax marketing team out of the basement dungeon that is denied to exist at the corporate headquarters in Minato, Tokyo.

Revered Political Expert Makes Prediction

Salvatore Daughdah, with the nonsensical Center for Political Theatre, has finally come out with his traditional predictions for the presidential election season, raising the usual significant interest across the political spectrum. "Salvatore has been keeping track of the political process for so long, it is hard to tell whether he is predicting it, describing it, or actually manipulating it", says long-time associate Jean-Peal Dahli. Business partner Marcy Duchamp agrees, adding, "Salvatore's insights are almost beyond comprehension to most people; he is really in a school of political thought all his own, that you might call 'Daughdah-ism'".

Even those critical of Daughdah's approach to politics agree that he is a force to be reckoned with. Most experts feel that Daughdah really came onto the scene with his Manifesto for a New Politics, where he wrote, "One achieves political success by saying it. One achieves power by saying it. With a noble gesture and delicate propriety. Till one goes crazy. Till one loses consciousness". "It is abundantly clear that Daughdah has been a lasting influence on the U.S. political process", says conservative political analyst and pundit George F. Will.

In this atmosphere of expectation, the CPT released Daughdah's prediction, which exceeds 20 pages and is still being analyzed by experts at the top think tanks, political science departments at Ivy League schools, and long term residential care facilities. The most controversial aspect of the announcement reads,


in part, "The canard of poisonous consciousness will dance with the scepter of pecuniary fecundity on lunar landscapes of masticated equestrian roughage". Reacting to this incendiary statement on the future of the economy, former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan issued a statement accusing Daughdah of plagiarism. However, in a rare pubic response, Daughdah answered Greenspan with a rebuttal saying, "A fish is purple and plush in the minute it is alleviated".

The effects of the controversy are still being felt in markets throughout the universe, with shockwaves cascading like furry portmanteaux through icicles of clinging yogurt. Both Democratic presidential hopefuls seemed at a loss to respond, when questioned by reporters.

Post Office Issues Warning

The Post Office today issued a statement warning of an escalation in wedding invitations. Citing the health of its workers, including mail sorters, counter staff, and letter carriers, the Post Office warned that increasing the size of invitations will only lead to a wedding arms race of larger and larger invitations.

According to matrimonial experts, the Post Office has real concerns. "When the wedding industry really started to take off in the 1980s, the average invitation could still be sent with a first class stamp", says Bridal Consultant, Marcel Post. At that time, the average invitation included the card with the date, an RSVP card, and an envelope in which to return it. However, research shows that the average wedding invitation today has added maps, poems, foils, intimate pictures, and popup fold-outs of the happy couple. "We have seen wedding invitations top several pounds", says Post Office spokesperson Adelaide Tasman, adding, "While the box-sized invitation is still somewhat rare, it is not uncommon to see save-the-date notices that must be mailed in manila envelopes, complete with travel brochures". With this sort of escalation, it is clear that regulations on wedding invitation size may soon be required.

Experts note that the increasing invitation size is a danger to the public, as well as postal workers. "We have reports of several small children suffering concussions as a direct result of falling wedding invitations", says Tasman. At this time, no fatalities have been reported, though Tasman added, "It is only a matter of time".

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